Somebody Just Shoot Me And Get It Over With

I feel like 100% ass today. My head is clogged, my stomach is queazy, my nose is dry and itchy, and I'm lost in that "blech" fog. Don't know if it's whatever virus that's circulating currently or just more med withdrawal. I had it down to taking one every three days, but every three days, like clockwork, I started getting sick. I would pop one and feel better about 20 minutes later. It's been like that for over a month. So the last time I took one (3 days ago) I took a half. It didn't really make me feel 100% better, but I was determined to tough it out. Maybe I'll take another half today. I don't know. This shit is harder to kick than heroin for Christ's sake. At least with that shit I was violently ill for 3 days, felt like ass for another couple of days, then it was over. The mental addiction was still there, but I was physically fine. I'm not mentally addicted to this crap. So why can't I just get it out of my system and move on? It's so aggravating.

So, being that I'm not on meds (Taking one every few days does nothing for my mental health.), my behavior has gone from funny crazy to just plain crazy. I had a meltdown yesterday. If I told you what sparked it you'd die of laughter. So let's not go there. All you need to know was that it was a mundane annoyance that turned into WWIII. My mood swings are back in full force...I'm hyper one minute, depressed the next. But lately it's been a hell of a lot more down than up. It's taking its toll on me, and everyone around me.

On my way to work this morning (yes, I'm up at this hour because of work...been here for an hour now) I heard a song that brought me back to 8th grade. Right back to the beginning of my madness. Well, maybe not the true beginning, but when things started to go downhill fast. When my parents and teachers first really noticed I wasn't like most other kids. But I digress.

Anyhoo, K-rock is doing one of their rock block weekends. They were doing a block of Metallica. I was surprised when after playing one of their more recent crappy (cough cough SELLOUT cough cough) songs, they played one of the ones that made Metallica who they are. Back when they had something meaningful to say. Back when I used to listen to them with pride. They actually played "Fade to Black." That song was my fucking anthem when I was 14. As I was singing along (rather loudly and off key) my eyes started to tear. That song says better than I ever could exactly how I feel most days. It was like that 14 years ago when I first heard it and it's like that now. How sad is that?

The funny thing is (not haha funny) that I know what would make me happy. I know what would make the feelings that come with that song a distant memory. I just can't have it. It's an impossible dream. I can't even work towards it, because it's never going to happen. And I'm not just saying that because I'm Captain Negative or anything like that. It's the plain and simple truth.

Ok, I'm starting to ramble now. It's too damn early for these kinds of subjects. But my boss is coming in today, so this is my only opportunity to post.

I'll leave you all with a few lines from the song that says it best...

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he's gone

~Meg