Funny how my last post was about picking up the car. It's the perfect lead in to my newest rant:
Meghan Hates That Fucking Car
As you may have gathered, things are not going well with the car. One day I think I have it, the next I get stuck trying to make a right hand turn and cause a traffic jam. You can imagine that being the mild-tempered chick that I am, I do not handle these setbacks well. The worst was this past Saturday. I could not get that bitch around a turn, stall...stall...stall...beep...beep...beep...impatient motorists yelling at me from behind their SUV windshields...stall...stall. Not fun. It shattered my nerves and sent me spiralling into a manic fit. I get them all the time, being that I'm not on meds at the moment, but only get the really bad ones once every couple of months. What I hated the most was that it happened in front of my daughter. Poor thing, she's gotten used to mommy screaming at no one, throwing things, and making no sense. I've never directed it at her, but still, must be scary to watch. So why not go on meds? More on that later.
Anyhoo, I do finally get the car around the turn and buck it back home (luckily I was literally around the corner from my house when it happened). Went into my rage and collapsed on my bed. Not sure how anyone else with MD handles things, but when I have big manic attack, it totally drains me. I can't even lift my head. I usually just pass out wherever I happen to be when the rant is over. I was knocked out for a good two hours. I have been in a depressed state since. Sure, I laugh at people's jokes and feel twinges of happiness here and there. But I also get watery eyes whenever someone asks the question, "How are you?" Even now, I'm wiping at tears. And it's not just the car. It's a lot of things.
It's the fact that I want a baby, and my husband does not.
It's the fact that I can't seem to get back into writing mode.
It's the fact that there doesn't seem to be enough time to do what I want to do, or what I need to do.
It's the fact that (without going into detail) things between my husband and I just don't seem right.
It's the fact that I just don't want to get up in the morning.
It's the fact that I'm stuck in a job I hate.
It's the fact that I have no money and worse, no time.
Oh yeah, and my malfunctioning brain makes it seem 100 times worse than it probably is.
What's my point for this long-winded whine? I don't know. I just had to get it out. Maybe someone else can identify, maybe you'll all just whisper that I'm insane for airing my dirty laundry. I don't really fucking care. Back to the meds, to answer the question that is on some of your lips, I haven't found one that has done jack shit. None stop the thoughts of offing myself. None make me calmer, level-headed, or any of that. The ones that have come close usually turned me into a zombie. So I said fuck it, I'll deal with it in my own way. Usually I can control it enough to get through life without much trouble. Sometimes it gets too much for me, but I ride it out. So I'm riding it out now. I think things will be better eventually, just don't know when.
In the words of Eminem..."Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm crazy, oh so crazy. Why am I here? Am I just wasting my time?"
Sorry for the depressing rant. I just get like this sometimes. Please don't email me with pity or anything like that. I'm not after that. I just had to get it out. Till next time...
Meghan Hates That Fucking Car
As you may have gathered, things are not going well with the car. One day I think I have it, the next I get stuck trying to make a right hand turn and cause a traffic jam. You can imagine that being the mild-tempered chick that I am, I do not handle these setbacks well. The worst was this past Saturday. I could not get that bitch around a turn, stall...stall...stall...beep...beep...beep...impatient motorists yelling at me from behind their SUV windshields...stall...stall. Not fun. It shattered my nerves and sent me spiralling into a manic fit. I get them all the time, being that I'm not on meds at the moment, but only get the really bad ones once every couple of months. What I hated the most was that it happened in front of my daughter. Poor thing, she's gotten used to mommy screaming at no one, throwing things, and making no sense. I've never directed it at her, but still, must be scary to watch. So why not go on meds? More on that later.
Anyhoo, I do finally get the car around the turn and buck it back home (luckily I was literally around the corner from my house when it happened). Went into my rage and collapsed on my bed. Not sure how anyone else with MD handles things, but when I have big manic attack, it totally drains me. I can't even lift my head. I usually just pass out wherever I happen to be when the rant is over. I was knocked out for a good two hours. I have been in a depressed state since. Sure, I laugh at people's jokes and feel twinges of happiness here and there. But I also get watery eyes whenever someone asks the question, "How are you?" Even now, I'm wiping at tears. And it's not just the car. It's a lot of things.
It's the fact that I want a baby, and my husband does not.
It's the fact that I can't seem to get back into writing mode.
It's the fact that there doesn't seem to be enough time to do what I want to do, or what I need to do.
It's the fact that (without going into detail) things between my husband and I just don't seem right.
It's the fact that I just don't want to get up in the morning.
It's the fact that I'm stuck in a job I hate.
It's the fact that I have no money and worse, no time.
Oh yeah, and my malfunctioning brain makes it seem 100 times worse than it probably is.
What's my point for this long-winded whine? I don't know. I just had to get it out. Maybe someone else can identify, maybe you'll all just whisper that I'm insane for airing my dirty laundry. I don't really fucking care. Back to the meds, to answer the question that is on some of your lips, I haven't found one that has done jack shit. None stop the thoughts of offing myself. None make me calmer, level-headed, or any of that. The ones that have come close usually turned me into a zombie. So I said fuck it, I'll deal with it in my own way. Usually I can control it enough to get through life without much trouble. Sometimes it gets too much for me, but I ride it out. So I'm riding it out now. I think things will be better eventually, just don't know when.
In the words of Eminem..."Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm crazy, oh so crazy. Why am I here? Am I just wasting my time?"
Sorry for the depressing rant. I just get like this sometimes. Please don't email me with pity or anything like that. I'm not after that. I just had to get it out. Till next time...
posted by Meghan at 3:45 PM
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