D-Day Almost Here
Tomorrow is quit day. Funny, last week when I joined up at NJ Quit Net I was so excited. I felt like I had a plan I could follow this time. I was certain I'd be successful. Now, when I know tomorrow I can't have my morning cigarette, I'm starting to panic. Can I really do this? My cigarettes are like my security blanket. I smoke when I'm angry, sad, worried. I smoke when I'm happy, having a few drinks, on a drive. I smoke when I'm hungry and don't want to snack. I smoke when I'm thinking about characters, plot, or editing. My cigarettes are always there for me to turn to. They understand me. They are my friends.
If you're a non-smoker reading this blog, you'll most certainly think that I'm a complete whack job. But I am mentally addicted to smoking. It's hard to picture going through life without a cigarette dangling out of my mouth or sitting between my fingers. As worried as I am about the withdrawal, the physical side effects...I'm more freaked out about my mental addiction. The nicotine will be out of my body in less than a week. The triggers that lead me to want a cigarette will be here for the rest of my life. Am I strong enough to ignore them? Will I end up replacing one addiction with another?
I've been a smoker on and off since I was 13. I was more of a social smoker until I started using cocaine and heroin. Then I was a social smoker who also smoked when I couldn't get my hands on any drugs. Once I went through rehab and quit using...I was a pack a day or more for two years. I stayed off the drugs (with the exception of a couple of slips) but I had to have my cigarettes. I replaced my narcotics with a legal drug.
I was able to quit when I got pregnant. I even held off for almost a year after my daughter was born. But when I started feeling the pressure of single motherhood, full-time school and full-time work...I caved and went for my smokes again. Since then I'd be on for a few months to a year or so, then off a month or so, then back on, then off. I must have quit a dozen times in the last 7 years, but it never lasted for long. For the past three years my time "on" smoking has been getting longer and longer and my time "off" shorter and shorter. My friends who smoke used to get pissed at me. Telling me it was unfair that I could pick up smoking and put it down without a problem. They'd kill for that. But it wasn't like I could put them down. I tried, again and again, but I always came back. I obviously couldn't just put them down whenever I wanted. I always picked them back up again. But I used this as an excuse anyway. "I take smoking breaks. My lungs won't be as badly affected."
The last year has been the hardest. I've been smoking more and more and now I'm afraid if I don't stop, I'll be chain smoking and going through 2 packs a day. I don't think it's my body craving it as much as it is my mind. That is going to be the hardest part for me.
Don't get me wrong though. I'm not trying to "punk out." I'm still hell bent on quitting. I'm just nervous. I want to quit. I don't want these damn things ruling my life anymore. I want to learn how to deal with things more productively. It's just going to be a tough ride. I smoke my last cigarette tonight before I go to bed. The thought is both frightening, and liberating. I have so many wonderful friends that want to help me through this, even the ones that still smoke. And my family has been great. I think with their help I'll be able to do it for good this time. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. :)
Till tomorrow......and a smoke-free me.
Tomorrow is quit day. Funny, last week when I joined up at NJ Quit Net I was so excited. I felt like I had a plan I could follow this time. I was certain I'd be successful. Now, when I know tomorrow I can't have my morning cigarette, I'm starting to panic. Can I really do this? My cigarettes are like my security blanket. I smoke when I'm angry, sad, worried. I smoke when I'm happy, having a few drinks, on a drive. I smoke when I'm hungry and don't want to snack. I smoke when I'm thinking about characters, plot, or editing. My cigarettes are always there for me to turn to. They understand me. They are my friends.
If you're a non-smoker reading this blog, you'll most certainly think that I'm a complete whack job. But I am mentally addicted to smoking. It's hard to picture going through life without a cigarette dangling out of my mouth or sitting between my fingers. As worried as I am about the withdrawal, the physical side effects...I'm more freaked out about my mental addiction. The nicotine will be out of my body in less than a week. The triggers that lead me to want a cigarette will be here for the rest of my life. Am I strong enough to ignore them? Will I end up replacing one addiction with another?
I've been a smoker on and off since I was 13. I was more of a social smoker until I started using cocaine and heroin. Then I was a social smoker who also smoked when I couldn't get my hands on any drugs. Once I went through rehab and quit using...I was a pack a day or more for two years. I stayed off the drugs (with the exception of a couple of slips) but I had to have my cigarettes. I replaced my narcotics with a legal drug.
I was able to quit when I got pregnant. I even held off for almost a year after my daughter was born. But when I started feeling the pressure of single motherhood, full-time school and full-time work...I caved and went for my smokes again. Since then I'd be on for a few months to a year or so, then off a month or so, then back on, then off. I must have quit a dozen times in the last 7 years, but it never lasted for long. For the past three years my time "on" smoking has been getting longer and longer and my time "off" shorter and shorter. My friends who smoke used to get pissed at me. Telling me it was unfair that I could pick up smoking and put it down without a problem. They'd kill for that. But it wasn't like I could put them down. I tried, again and again, but I always came back. I obviously couldn't just put them down whenever I wanted. I always picked them back up again. But I used this as an excuse anyway. "I take smoking breaks. My lungs won't be as badly affected."
The last year has been the hardest. I've been smoking more and more and now I'm afraid if I don't stop, I'll be chain smoking and going through 2 packs a day. I don't think it's my body craving it as much as it is my mind. That is going to be the hardest part for me.
Don't get me wrong though. I'm not trying to "punk out." I'm still hell bent on quitting. I'm just nervous. I want to quit. I don't want these damn things ruling my life anymore. I want to learn how to deal with things more productively. It's just going to be a tough ride. I smoke my last cigarette tonight before I go to bed. The thought is both frightening, and liberating. I have so many wonderful friends that want to help me through this, even the ones that still smoke. And my family has been great. I think with their help I'll be able to do it for good this time. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. :)
Till tomorrow......and a smoke-free me.
posted by Meghan at 11:11 AM
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