Feeling Sick To My Stomach Once Again
If I had posted like I wanted to on Friday night (just didn't have the time) this post would be completely different. It would have been full of hope and a new understanding of myself. It would have been a whole new version of Meg...Meg 2.0. But because so much can happen in such a short span of time, it looks like that new version is stalled.
Long time readers know that I have a rather interesting history with one of my good friends. Whenever I blog about this person, I'm careful to avoid using any words that might lead to this person's identity. This person is HUGE on privacy and I want to respect that. That being said, try to ignore the cryptic aspects of this post and if you happen to know who I'm referring to, I ask that you just keep that to yourself.
It's been known for a long time that my friend is leaving the state...the exact location and time were unknown, but we all knew it was going to happen. I put it out of my mind, tried to pretend it wasn't going to happen. A few weeks ago, we got the where and when...and it's coming upon me like a freight train. When the news first hit, I took it hard...there were exchanges that couldn't really pass for fights (this person does NOT fight) but some words were said that did not make either of us very happy. But things cooled down and I adjusted. We had a very good week after that, making plans and whatnot. I was even planning on helping this person move, have my ticket bought and everything. Yeah, I'm still sad to see this person go, but I knew that the friendship could make the distance. It wasn't like this person was going off to another country.
But everything changed yesterday. Because of some bullshit that OTHER people say, because I have a tendency to speak what's on my mind and be completely honest with this person, I have been cut off yet again. I have been told that my help is no longer needed for the move and I can just stay home. Texts go unresponded to, the phone gets no answer. This is not how I wanted to spend this person's final days in NJ.
Don't get me wrong, I can understand this person's point of view...it's annoying as hell to listen to other people spout off at you about things they know nothing about, having the wrong idea about you. I would be pissed too...but I would be pissed at the people talking the shit. I have nothing to do with what other people say or the assumptions that they make. So I'm being penalized for something I have no control over.
Normally in this situation I would insist on seeing this person face to face...but the snow prevents me from leaving the house. This person won't answer the phone, respond to texts or emails, or anything like that. The only way to talk to them is to go to them. Doesn't look like that will be possible today.
So a part of me is so frustrated that I'm being cut off yet again that I think I should just say "fuck it" use it as a learning exeperience and move on. Let this person go and just chalk it up to a mismatch in personality. And believe me, last night I really wanted to go that route. I just wanted to let this person go and forget about all the bullshit. But at the same time, I remember the good times we had, all the times this person was there for me when things were difficult, how well we connected, all the things I have learned from them. It's so hard to let that go. This person has been instrumental in keeping me sane these last few months, giving me strength when I thought I had none left. To let that just walk away is so damn hard. But if this person can just cut me off and not care, honestly treat me like I don't matter...what am I really holding on to? I just wish I knew what was going on in their head. Do I really mean nothing? If I knew that to be true, maybe it would be easier to let go. I don't know...I'm babbling now.
I wish the damn snow would stop so I could go over there. Of course even if I do, there's no guarantee this person would even open the door. Sigh. I need to stop being happy...because whenever I have a good week...a good day even...it all turns to shit before you can even blink an eye. It's a tease. It's just meant to build me up so the slap in the face hurts more.
And maybe I have no one to blame but myself. That seems to be this person's theory at least. Maybe I am weak, maybe I do let other people walk all over me, maybe I make the wrong decisions and let other people run my life for me. Maybe I don't know how to keep my mouth shut or understand what true friendship is about. Maybe I do procrastinate on making the right decisions and am untrustworthy when it comes to friendship. These are all the things this person has said to me. I'm being cut off because this person feels the only way to stop the bullshit of what other people are saying is to just alienate themself from EVERYONE...especially me. I wonder how happy this person will be in doing so. I realize they're going to another state where they will meet new people and start all over. I truly hope this person finds happiness there and is able to make friends that are more suited for his/her perspective and personality. Obviously I failed miserably.
So what started out as a weekend planned for fun and just spending time with this friend has turned into a weekend where I'm trapped in my house, feeling that constant urge to throw up, crying on and off and wondering what to do next. I hate this feeling. The only good thing I can think of, is maybe I'll lose another 30 pounds.
Long time readers know that I have a rather interesting history with one of my good friends. Whenever I blog about this person, I'm careful to avoid using any words that might lead to this person's identity. This person is HUGE on privacy and I want to respect that. That being said, try to ignore the cryptic aspects of this post and if you happen to know who I'm referring to, I ask that you just keep that to yourself.
It's been known for a long time that my friend is leaving the state...the exact location and time were unknown, but we all knew it was going to happen. I put it out of my mind, tried to pretend it wasn't going to happen. A few weeks ago, we got the where and when...and it's coming upon me like a freight train. When the news first hit, I took it hard...there were exchanges that couldn't really pass for fights (this person does NOT fight) but some words were said that did not make either of us very happy. But things cooled down and I adjusted. We had a very good week after that, making plans and whatnot. I was even planning on helping this person move, have my ticket bought and everything. Yeah, I'm still sad to see this person go, but I knew that the friendship could make the distance. It wasn't like this person was going off to another country.
But everything changed yesterday. Because of some bullshit that OTHER people say, because I have a tendency to speak what's on my mind and be completely honest with this person, I have been cut off yet again. I have been told that my help is no longer needed for the move and I can just stay home. Texts go unresponded to, the phone gets no answer. This is not how I wanted to spend this person's final days in NJ.
Don't get me wrong, I can understand this person's point of view...it's annoying as hell to listen to other people spout off at you about things they know nothing about, having the wrong idea about you. I would be pissed too...but I would be pissed at the people talking the shit. I have nothing to do with what other people say or the assumptions that they make. So I'm being penalized for something I have no control over.
Normally in this situation I would insist on seeing this person face to face...but the snow prevents me from leaving the house. This person won't answer the phone, respond to texts or emails, or anything like that. The only way to talk to them is to go to them. Doesn't look like that will be possible today.
So a part of me is so frustrated that I'm being cut off yet again that I think I should just say "fuck it" use it as a learning exeperience and move on. Let this person go and just chalk it up to a mismatch in personality. And believe me, last night I really wanted to go that route. I just wanted to let this person go and forget about all the bullshit. But at the same time, I remember the good times we had, all the times this person was there for me when things were difficult, how well we connected, all the things I have learned from them. It's so hard to let that go. This person has been instrumental in keeping me sane these last few months, giving me strength when I thought I had none left. To let that just walk away is so damn hard. But if this person can just cut me off and not care, honestly treat me like I don't matter...what am I really holding on to? I just wish I knew what was going on in their head. Do I really mean nothing? If I knew that to be true, maybe it would be easier to let go. I don't know...I'm babbling now.
I wish the damn snow would stop so I could go over there. Of course even if I do, there's no guarantee this person would even open the door. Sigh. I need to stop being happy...because whenever I have a good week...a good day even...it all turns to shit before you can even blink an eye. It's a tease. It's just meant to build me up so the slap in the face hurts more.
And maybe I have no one to blame but myself. That seems to be this person's theory at least. Maybe I am weak, maybe I do let other people walk all over me, maybe I make the wrong decisions and let other people run my life for me. Maybe I don't know how to keep my mouth shut or understand what true friendship is about. Maybe I do procrastinate on making the right decisions and am untrustworthy when it comes to friendship. These are all the things this person has said to me. I'm being cut off because this person feels the only way to stop the bullshit of what other people are saying is to just alienate themself from EVERYONE...especially me. I wonder how happy this person will be in doing so. I realize they're going to another state where they will meet new people and start all over. I truly hope this person finds happiness there and is able to make friends that are more suited for his/her perspective and personality. Obviously I failed miserably.
So what started out as a weekend planned for fun and just spending time with this friend has turned into a weekend where I'm trapped in my house, feeling that constant urge to throw up, crying on and off and wondering what to do next. I hate this feeling. The only good thing I can think of, is maybe I'll lose another 30 pounds.
posted by Meghan at 9:27 AM
2 Comments:
Meg,
Please stop beating yourself up. While we don't have a very close relationship, I do admire you as a person and as a friend. You ARE strong. You keep getting knocked down and keep on truckin' girl, THAT is character. I haven't known you to be dishonest -- that means a lot, too. Take it easy. Girls weekend in NY is something we need!! (SOON!) Call if you need to vent. You know the number.
Take care,
--Deb
Thanks Deb. That really means a lot to me. Funny, you're someone who I don't get to talk to or see very often, but you seem to understand things about me that people who see me every day do not. I truly wish you lived closer girl! Start planning that NY trip because I have a feeling you, Cassie, and I could REALLY use it!
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