The Aftereffects Of Christmas

Yup, I'm alive. I know I disappeared for awhile, but things have just been so upsidedown lately. I haven't even had the faintest desire to post. I haven't had the desire to do much of anything. But here I am, bored at work, so much going on in my life. Might as well exorcise some of the crap swirling around my head, right?

For starters, another Christmas has come and gone. It really didn't feel like Christmas this year, almost like it was fake. I didn't put up a tree or decorate (my parents did and the kids and I celebrated the holiday over there) and didn't have the money to buy as many gifts for people as I would have liked. In fact the only people I could buy for were my kids and immediate family. My kids weren't even around the whole time. They spent part of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Fran and his family. To be hanging around on Christmas Day without your kids is just plain heartbreaking, as I'm sure it was for Fran. We did the traditional blueberry pancake breakfast and the kids had fun opening their presents. I enjoyed spending time with my siblings and got some great gifts. But it all felt awkward, surreal, almost dreamlike.

My dad told me to get used to it. This was our family's first Christmas since the seperation and all future holidays would be like this...we'll get used to it. Kids are resilient (sp?) little buggers, so I'm sure they'll adapt...it just sucks that they have to. Sigh.

Work was hell for the last couple of weeks. We generally deal with morons and assholes on a regular basis, but the holidays seem to bring out a whole new breed of idiots and deuschbags (sp?). So that was fun. I haven't written a word in who knows how long. Haven't really even had the desire. Normally this would worry me, but lately I don't really care. I'm not getting much enjoyment out of life lately. I get up, go to work, come home, see the kids for an hour or two, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I take the easy way out of things. I have every intention of doing something useful with myself, but crap out and end up being lazy. I lack motivation. I lack the ability to give two shits about much. That's just not me. I don't even know who the hell I've become.

There are those rare moments when I laugh...when I smile...when I'm genuinely happy. Those times are few and far between and I crave them. Unfortunately I don't see an increase in the near future. Sucks when you know what will make you happy but don't have the ability to achieve it.

In one week it'll be a new year...a time to make resolutions and attempt to better ourselves. Will anything change for me? Somehow I doubt it.