Kick Me When I'm Down
So, as my readers know, things have been extra crispy crappy for me lately. My friends are well aware of this as well. It's times like these that I really feel blessed to have the friends I have. The ones that really show their true friendship are the ones who check in on me, but are not offended if I don't call or email back right away. The ones that understand that when I'm down I tend to curl up into a ball and hide away under a rock. The ones that, when I do come out for air to talk, listen and don't judge me. The ones that make it their mission to make me smile and laugh. The ones that are ok with letting me cry. The ones that know my personality and understand that sometimes when I'm frustrated, depressed, and in a generally shitty mood, I can be cranky. The ones that understand my sense of humor and my use of saracasm as a defense mechanism. The ones that tolerate my insanity. It is those friends (and believe me there are just a handful) that remind me that not everyone in this world is out to hurt me, and people actually do care.
That being said, nothing hurts more than when someone I consider a close friend, someone who has exemplified everything in the previous paragraph, turns around and decides to pour lemon juice in my already gaping wounds. In fact, it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Now, I expect the general population to let me down, I expect there to be people who could care less about my feelings and do things they know will hurt me. That's life. But I've never even considered that one of my "true" friends could turn into one. I think I'm actually in shock and that's why I'm so calm at the moment.
Let me tell you about my weekend, it's been full of crying, nausea, sleeplessness, and the inability to eat. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I could have done wrong, what I could have done to make this person completely ignore me. I consider this person to be my closest friend, someone I can tell anything to, someone who has ALWAYS been there for me. I can't understand what would make this person just disappear.
Being the constant worry-wart and guilt ridden person that I am, I at first assumed this person was just really busy. After two days of not hearing from them, I called. No answer. No return call. So, now I think, maybe this person just isn't in the mood to be bothered. I know I get like that all the time. So I send this person a text message stating my concern. Nothing. Not even an "I'm alive and ok, just want to be left alone" message. Now I start to panic. Maybe this person is truly pissed at me. So I think and think about what I could have done to set them off. Ok, true I've been moody and cranky lately. Things have not been good. But this person has known me long enough to know that that's just how I get. I've always told them how much I care about them and appreciate them, they must know that. Every time we hang out we have a great time, I get to leave my problems behind for a few hours and just enjoy this person's company, and they know that. And though this person would never admit it, they can get moody too, they can say and do things that hurt, they can make me feel bad...but I know that's just how they can be. And I've always been there for them in their time of need. I've never turned my back. So why are you turning your back on me?
People tell me I'm too emotional...I care about what other people think too much. No, I care about what the people I love think. And when I think one of them is mad at me, it sickens me. As I type this I'm fighting stomach pains and a massive headache. I'm exhausted because I can't sleep...my brain is on overload. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Man, I'm pathetic aren't I? Why am I making myself sick over somebody who has such a disregard for my feelings? If this person can turn their back on me, why would I want them as a friend? Chalk it up to just another person who turned out to be someone you didn't expect and move on. I so wish it were that easy.
I know this person doesn't read my blog, but in the interest of privacy I'm using "they" and such to avoid using him or her. I know if this person did read this blog they would probably just get more angry, think I was either overreacting or an idiot for not knowing what I did wrong. I'm sorry I'm not psychic. When I'm mad about something, especially if it involves a close friend, I say something to them. I expect the same. You're supposed to be one of my closest friends, why can't you talk to me about this? If I did something to hurt you, why wouldn't you give me the chance to explain? You know I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Maybe there was a misunderstanding, maybe I took a joke too far. I need to know. And if after we talk and I apologize you still feel like we can't be friends, at least I got the chance to try to mend whatever it is I did. I can put an end to this sick feeling.
Ok, so this is sort of a plea to this person that I know will never be read by the eyes it was meant for. I still needed to get it out. And for anyone else reading this, your advice may be to try to talk to this person, but that's impossible when they won't pick up their phone or return your calls. I'm having de ja vu (sp?). Didn't I blog about something similar about 9 months or so ago? Funny...it's the same person. Only now I thought we were much closer.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on about something my readers have no idea about. But you all know how I am. The only way to exorcise the demons is to write...at least for me. Too bad it really isn't working this time.
That being said, nothing hurts more than when someone I consider a close friend, someone who has exemplified everything in the previous paragraph, turns around and decides to pour lemon juice in my already gaping wounds. In fact, it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Now, I expect the general population to let me down, I expect there to be people who could care less about my feelings and do things they know will hurt me. That's life. But I've never even considered that one of my "true" friends could turn into one. I think I'm actually in shock and that's why I'm so calm at the moment.
Let me tell you about my weekend, it's been full of crying, nausea, sleeplessness, and the inability to eat. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I could have done wrong, what I could have done to make this person completely ignore me. I consider this person to be my closest friend, someone I can tell anything to, someone who has ALWAYS been there for me. I can't understand what would make this person just disappear.
Being the constant worry-wart and guilt ridden person that I am, I at first assumed this person was just really busy. After two days of not hearing from them, I called. No answer. No return call. So, now I think, maybe this person just isn't in the mood to be bothered. I know I get like that all the time. So I send this person a text message stating my concern. Nothing. Not even an "I'm alive and ok, just want to be left alone" message. Now I start to panic. Maybe this person is truly pissed at me. So I think and think about what I could have done to set them off. Ok, true I've been moody and cranky lately. Things have not been good. But this person has known me long enough to know that that's just how I get. I've always told them how much I care about them and appreciate them, they must know that. Every time we hang out we have a great time, I get to leave my problems behind for a few hours and just enjoy this person's company, and they know that. And though this person would never admit it, they can get moody too, they can say and do things that hurt, they can make me feel bad...but I know that's just how they can be. And I've always been there for them in their time of need. I've never turned my back. So why are you turning your back on me?
People tell me I'm too emotional...I care about what other people think too much. No, I care about what the people I love think. And when I think one of them is mad at me, it sickens me. As I type this I'm fighting stomach pains and a massive headache. I'm exhausted because I can't sleep...my brain is on overload. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Man, I'm pathetic aren't I? Why am I making myself sick over somebody who has such a disregard for my feelings? If this person can turn their back on me, why would I want them as a friend? Chalk it up to just another person who turned out to be someone you didn't expect and move on. I so wish it were that easy.
I know this person doesn't read my blog, but in the interest of privacy I'm using "they" and such to avoid using him or her. I know if this person did read this blog they would probably just get more angry, think I was either overreacting or an idiot for not knowing what I did wrong. I'm sorry I'm not psychic. When I'm mad about something, especially if it involves a close friend, I say something to them. I expect the same. You're supposed to be one of my closest friends, why can't you talk to me about this? If I did something to hurt you, why wouldn't you give me the chance to explain? You know I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Maybe there was a misunderstanding, maybe I took a joke too far. I need to know. And if after we talk and I apologize you still feel like we can't be friends, at least I got the chance to try to mend whatever it is I did. I can put an end to this sick feeling.
Ok, so this is sort of a plea to this person that I know will never be read by the eyes it was meant for. I still needed to get it out. And for anyone else reading this, your advice may be to try to talk to this person, but that's impossible when they won't pick up their phone or return your calls. I'm having de ja vu (sp?). Didn't I blog about something similar about 9 months or so ago? Funny...it's the same person. Only now I thought we were much closer.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on about something my readers have no idea about. But you all know how I am. The only way to exorcise the demons is to write...at least for me. Too bad it really isn't working this time.
posted by Meghan at 9:22 AM
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