Seperation Take Two
Fran moved out on Saturday. He plans on getting a condo with some friends. As you can imagine, things didn't improve after my last post. We've just drifted so far apart that it doesn't seem possible to get back what we once had. We're two different people going two different directions. I wish there was some way to rewind and figure out exactlly where things started going south. Maybe then I could stop it from happening.
So it's no one's fault. Or more appropriately, it's both of our faults. And it truly sucks. Different people I talk to say different things. But it all boils down to this...I've failed. I failed Fran, I failed my kids, and I've failed myself. This is by far the worst thing I've ever been through. But as bad as it is for me...I feel worse for the kids.
I know staying in a marraige where the parents barely speak and when they do it's to fight isn't healthy for kids. I know that we were teaching them everything a marriage shouldn't be. That wasn't right. However, splitting up has it's effects on them as well. Andre is too young to understand and he'll never remember all of this. But he will grow up knowing that his daddy lives in another house. Kimi is a tougher one. She's 10 and fully aware of the situation. It breaks her heart, though she knows that this happens. She has friends with divorced parents. Though she doesn't quite get why it happens, she's pretty much accepted it. Of course we'll never really know what she's thinking. I just hope we haven't caused her so much damage that she can't recover.
Fran's a good dad though, I know he'll be there for the kids. I'm not worried about that part. But like I said to him last night, I want us to maintain some kind of friendship. I've known him for almost 13 years. We were best friends before we ever got together. We once had a closeness like I've never experienced. I don't know what happened to that. But it kills me to think that I can't go to him now...and that he can't come to me. I told him I'd always be there for him, and that's the truth. But I can honestly understand if he doesn't want me to be there for him. This is hard on both of us, but he's the one that has had to leave his home, his kids. Though he isn't far and he can see them whenever he wants...I know it's not the same. I can't imagine how much harder this is for him.
Last night I was sitting in my living room, half watching the TV. It was so quiet. I looked around and saw reminders of Fran everywhere. His guitar, CDs, hot wheel cars, etc. He hasn't taken everything yet. In fact, it was almost like he was at work...or out at the store. It just didn't seem real. Tonight I heard the back door open, and expected to hear him coming home from work...whistling or singing whatever was last on the radio. But it wasn't him, it was my dad. Tonight I will curl up on the couch, alone, and watch the World Poker Tour or the Travel Channel without him. There will be no one there to talk to about my day. My kids will be asleep and it will just be me. Alone. I'm alone.
So it's no one's fault. Or more appropriately, it's both of our faults. And it truly sucks. Different people I talk to say different things. But it all boils down to this...I've failed. I failed Fran, I failed my kids, and I've failed myself. This is by far the worst thing I've ever been through. But as bad as it is for me...I feel worse for the kids.
I know staying in a marraige where the parents barely speak and when they do it's to fight isn't healthy for kids. I know that we were teaching them everything a marriage shouldn't be. That wasn't right. However, splitting up has it's effects on them as well. Andre is too young to understand and he'll never remember all of this. But he will grow up knowing that his daddy lives in another house. Kimi is a tougher one. She's 10 and fully aware of the situation. It breaks her heart, though she knows that this happens. She has friends with divorced parents. Though she doesn't quite get why it happens, she's pretty much accepted it. Of course we'll never really know what she's thinking. I just hope we haven't caused her so much damage that she can't recover.
Fran's a good dad though, I know he'll be there for the kids. I'm not worried about that part. But like I said to him last night, I want us to maintain some kind of friendship. I've known him for almost 13 years. We were best friends before we ever got together. We once had a closeness like I've never experienced. I don't know what happened to that. But it kills me to think that I can't go to him now...and that he can't come to me. I told him I'd always be there for him, and that's the truth. But I can honestly understand if he doesn't want me to be there for him. This is hard on both of us, but he's the one that has had to leave his home, his kids. Though he isn't far and he can see them whenever he wants...I know it's not the same. I can't imagine how much harder this is for him.
Last night I was sitting in my living room, half watching the TV. It was so quiet. I looked around and saw reminders of Fran everywhere. His guitar, CDs, hot wheel cars, etc. He hasn't taken everything yet. In fact, it was almost like he was at work...or out at the store. It just didn't seem real. Tonight I heard the back door open, and expected to hear him coming home from work...whistling or singing whatever was last on the radio. But it wasn't him, it was my dad. Tonight I will curl up on the couch, alone, and watch the World Poker Tour or the Travel Channel without him. There will be no one there to talk to about my day. My kids will be asleep and it will just be me. Alone. I'm alone.
posted by Meghan at 6:30 PM
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