Just When I Thought I Couldn't Get Any Lower
The shit has literally hit the fan. Remember that amicable split Fran and I had? Things aren't so friendly anymore. Once again, I feel like the bad guy. The last thing I want is for things to turn so sour between us that we can't be civil to each other.
Hell, I don't even want us to just be civil. I've known Fran for almost 13 years, we dated for four of them and have been married for over four. This is the person who knows me better than anyone else in the world. This is a man who carries my secrets, and I carry his. This is the father of my children. I want more than uncomfortable 2 minute conversations when he picks up the kids. I want him to be able to call me when he's feeling down, and for me to be able to go to him when I have a problem. We've always been there for each other, though lately things have been pretty bad. When I think about him I don't dwell on all the crap, I think about how close we once were.
I don't want this to turn bitter and ugly. But is that avoidable? When couples first go through something like this, is it always nasty? Is it not until things have been settled for awhile that exes can get along? There is so much hurting and anger and sadness right now. Will it ever go away?
I couldn't bear it if he hated me, if he never wanted to speak to me. We've been through too much together. But I'm afraid that's how it's shaping up. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. I haven't really eaten a meal in over a week now. My stomach is always sick. I didn't think I had any tears left, but I still seem to be able to cry all day. I have NEVER been so low in all my life, and you all know how low I've been. This weekend has been particularly rough, and going back to work tomorrow is going to be torture. I can't possibly focus on work. My brain is constantly on overdrive.
I want to know why...why everything in my life has to turn to shit? Why can't one God damn thing go right for me. Why am I always the one with my head hung low, sobbing in the corner. Give me some good fucking news...please!
I better go...I'm climbing on the pity pot and I know how annoying that is to watch. Later...
Hell, I don't even want us to just be civil. I've known Fran for almost 13 years, we dated for four of them and have been married for over four. This is the person who knows me better than anyone else in the world. This is a man who carries my secrets, and I carry his. This is the father of my children. I want more than uncomfortable 2 minute conversations when he picks up the kids. I want him to be able to call me when he's feeling down, and for me to be able to go to him when I have a problem. We've always been there for each other, though lately things have been pretty bad. When I think about him I don't dwell on all the crap, I think about how close we once were.
I don't want this to turn bitter and ugly. But is that avoidable? When couples first go through something like this, is it always nasty? Is it not until things have been settled for awhile that exes can get along? There is so much hurting and anger and sadness right now. Will it ever go away?
I couldn't bear it if he hated me, if he never wanted to speak to me. We've been through too much together. But I'm afraid that's how it's shaping up. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. I haven't really eaten a meal in over a week now. My stomach is always sick. I didn't think I had any tears left, but I still seem to be able to cry all day. I have NEVER been so low in all my life, and you all know how low I've been. This weekend has been particularly rough, and going back to work tomorrow is going to be torture. I can't possibly focus on work. My brain is constantly on overdrive.
I want to know why...why everything in my life has to turn to shit? Why can't one God damn thing go right for me. Why am I always the one with my head hung low, sobbing in the corner. Give me some good fucking news...please!
I better go...I'm climbing on the pity pot and I know how annoying that is to watch. Later...
posted by Meghan at 10:48 AM
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