The Ticking Time Bomb That Is My Biological Clock
My cousin had a baby boy last week. Justin Tyler, J.T. for short. I went and saw him in the hospital and it brought back all the memories of my daughter's birth. What a wonderful and scary time for me. I was only 17 and didn't have a clue what I was doing. Her father, or sperm donor as I like to call him, was in jail and absolutely no help. So my mother stayed with me the whole time and helped. Kimberleigh was born at 12:13 AM on February 15th, 1995. She wasn't crying. I may have been young, but I knew that wasn't a good sign.
Half a dozen nurses and doctors stormed into the room in seconds, cleaned her up, let me kiss her on the forehead and then wisked her away. I had no idea what was going on and no one could tell me anything. About 4 in the morning a doctor woke me up and told me that she had had mucus blocking one lung, but they were able to flush it out with oxygen. However, her heart rate dropped while she slept, so they wanted to monitor her. That was a little over 8 years ago and now she's a perfectly happy little girl. She ended up in the NICU for only 5 days. That was a relief.
My cousin's baby was in the NICU too, but only because he was so big (over 9 pounds) that they wanted to make sure nothing was wrong with his sugar level. They were both sent home a couple days later. I held him in the hospital and just looked at him. Perfect tiny little ears and fngers and nose. He looked angelic.
I went over to their house last night to bring them presents and see the baby again. This time I brought my daughter. I got to feed him and burp him. I knew I wanted another baby some day, but I didn't realize just how much I missed doing the little things. I missed the little noises newborns make when they're drinking their bottles and that new baby smell they have.
Needless to say my biological clock is now in overdrive. My daughter is 8. I don't want my children to be so far apart that they don't have anything to do with each other. Right now she's at an age where she really wants a brother or sister, and wants to help. I won't have that for long. But now is not a good time. For reasons like money and childcare. I can't afford to quit my job and stay home and I can't afford daycare. But I'm sure lots of couples go through that. You just deal with it, you figure things out.
My mother always said, "If you wait for the right time to have a baby, you'll never have one." But it's more than money. My husband doesn't seem to want a baby. When we were engaged we talked about it and he seemed enthusiastic. Wanted a boy he could teach how to play football and all that. Then when we were married we talked about when we'd have one, we knew we'd have to wait a few years. We'll be married 2 years this month, but now when we talk about it, he seems put off by the idea. We went through a time where he said he didn't want any more kids. When I told him I did and that is was important to me, he relented by saying, eventually. But that eventually may never come. And it sucks. Especially in times like this.
I don't know why I'm so into having a baby right now. Maybe it's just natural instinct. Maybe I'm trying to cling to something that will make me feel important and needed. Maybe I just want another bundle of joy to love. Who knows. And with me on these new meds and not knowing what's going to happen, I'm sure it isn't the right time. But that doesn't make the desire go away.
I know what you're thinking...those that know me at least. I'm only 26, I have lots of time. Do I? I don't want to have a baby when my daughter is a teenager. Life would just be too difficult. That's only 5 years away and every year that ticks by is that much more my daughter will be disinterested in a sibling. I'm not worried abnout my age.
I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. Maybe it's because I know deep down that Fran will never relent, he just tells me what I want to hear. I may never get the chance again. That just makes me sad. But what can I do? Thre's only so many times you can argue about a subject like this. For now all I can do is hope and wait.
My cousin had a baby boy last week. Justin Tyler, J.T. for short. I went and saw him in the hospital and it brought back all the memories of my daughter's birth. What a wonderful and scary time for me. I was only 17 and didn't have a clue what I was doing. Her father, or sperm donor as I like to call him, was in jail and absolutely no help. So my mother stayed with me the whole time and helped. Kimberleigh was born at 12:13 AM on February 15th, 1995. She wasn't crying. I may have been young, but I knew that wasn't a good sign.
Half a dozen nurses and doctors stormed into the room in seconds, cleaned her up, let me kiss her on the forehead and then wisked her away. I had no idea what was going on and no one could tell me anything. About 4 in the morning a doctor woke me up and told me that she had had mucus blocking one lung, but they were able to flush it out with oxygen. However, her heart rate dropped while she slept, so they wanted to monitor her. That was a little over 8 years ago and now she's a perfectly happy little girl. She ended up in the NICU for only 5 days. That was a relief.
My cousin's baby was in the NICU too, but only because he was so big (over 9 pounds) that they wanted to make sure nothing was wrong with his sugar level. They were both sent home a couple days later. I held him in the hospital and just looked at him. Perfect tiny little ears and fngers and nose. He looked angelic.
I went over to their house last night to bring them presents and see the baby again. This time I brought my daughter. I got to feed him and burp him. I knew I wanted another baby some day, but I didn't realize just how much I missed doing the little things. I missed the little noises newborns make when they're drinking their bottles and that new baby smell they have.
Needless to say my biological clock is now in overdrive. My daughter is 8. I don't want my children to be so far apart that they don't have anything to do with each other. Right now she's at an age where she really wants a brother or sister, and wants to help. I won't have that for long. But now is not a good time. For reasons like money and childcare. I can't afford to quit my job and stay home and I can't afford daycare. But I'm sure lots of couples go through that. You just deal with it, you figure things out.
My mother always said, "If you wait for the right time to have a baby, you'll never have one." But it's more than money. My husband doesn't seem to want a baby. When we were engaged we talked about it and he seemed enthusiastic. Wanted a boy he could teach how to play football and all that. Then when we were married we talked about when we'd have one, we knew we'd have to wait a few years. We'll be married 2 years this month, but now when we talk about it, he seems put off by the idea. We went through a time where he said he didn't want any more kids. When I told him I did and that is was important to me, he relented by saying, eventually. But that eventually may never come. And it sucks. Especially in times like this.
I don't know why I'm so into having a baby right now. Maybe it's just natural instinct. Maybe I'm trying to cling to something that will make me feel important and needed. Maybe I just want another bundle of joy to love. Who knows. And with me on these new meds and not knowing what's going to happen, I'm sure it isn't the right time. But that doesn't make the desire go away.
I know what you're thinking...those that know me at least. I'm only 26, I have lots of time. Do I? I don't want to have a baby when my daughter is a teenager. Life would just be too difficult. That's only 5 years away and every year that ticks by is that much more my daughter will be disinterested in a sibling. I'm not worried abnout my age.
I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. Maybe it's because I know deep down that Fran will never relent, he just tells me what I want to hear. I may never get the chance again. That just makes me sad. But what can I do? Thre's only so many times you can argue about a subject like this. For now all I can do is hope and wait.
posted by Meghan at 3:41 PM
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