Hell Week - Day 2: Slip Sliding
I didn't post anymore yesterday because I had nothing worthwhile to post. I had a boring, shitty, cranky day. I drove home in a downpour. It sucked. I get home, rush to finish my training batch for my freelance gig, then get stuck in traffic trying to get it to my friend so she had it ready for this morning. Roads were closed all over the place from fallen trees and such.
Once I got home I walked in the house and saw the remainder of my pack that I gave Fran. He hadn't taken it. It just sat on the kitchen counter. By then he had arrived home from work. Without thinking, I snatched up the pack and pulled one out. "I thought you quit," he said as he pulled his own camel out of his pack. "Fuck it." I said.
I slipped. I smoked it. And it felt blissful. Fran just grinned at me and told me not to worry. I never had trouble quitting before, I'd do it eventually. So I looked at him and said, "That's just the thing. It's never been this hard to put them down. I actually feel panic when I think about going through a day without them." All he could say was, "Oh, that's not good."
Sigh. As blissful as it felt, I felt guilty afterwards. I was pissed at myself for letting the day get to me like it did and disgusted with myself for not even being able to make it 24 hours. Not a pleasant feeling. I didn't have another last night. I wanted to...badly, especially right before bed. But I didn't do it. This morning I absentmindedly grabbed them again and through them into my purse. Just like I did every morning for so long. I was only half conscious that I did it. I dropped Kimi off at summer camp and took off for work. Yes, I had one on my commute. Again, it felt blissful. I debated whether or not I was really ready to quit. I mean, if it was THIS hard on me, maybe it just wasn't time.
But then that feeling of disgust and guilt came over me again. I had promised Kimi last week that I was going to quit for good. She had been so happy. She told me she'd help me in any way she could. She's only 8, but she knows that I'm killing myself slowly.
So I didn't have another. I usually have 2 or 3 on the way to work. I went to lunch with my co-worker and gave her the pack. She doesn't smoke. She threw the pack away in front of me at Wendy's in a kind of ceremony. I feel better knowing I can't get to them. But at the same time, I feel fear.
The nicks haven't been as bad today, probably due to the fact that I smoked last night and today. I debated whether to post about the slip ups. I didn't want people pointing fingers at me and being disappointed in me. But I'm an honest person, it would have felt wrong to just leave it out. So that's that. Let the taunting begin.
On a separate note, today Kimi had to bring her favorite stuffed animal to summer camp. She decided to bring Cthulhu. :) I was very proud. I asked what she was going to tell the group about it. She said, "I'm going to tell them that H.P. Lovecraft wrote about Cthulhu. He is one of the old ones and lives beneath the sea. One day he will rise again and rule the earth. Oh yeah, and he's like 80 feet tall or something." I just about laughed myself to death. I wonder what kind of looks I'll get from the counselors when I pick her up this afternoon. heh.
Speaking of camp, I was happy to see that next week they are going to concentrate on creative writing. Kimi saw that Tuesday was dedicated to "scary stories." She was thrilled. "Can I bring in some of yours?" she asked in front of one of the counselors. I just laughed and said she'd have to write her own. She wants to write about Cthulhu. :) Alas, I remembered on the way to work that she is going to miss camp next week because she is going to N.C. with my parents on vacation. Figures. The camp finally does something good and she's going to miss it. Sigh. I'm still going to have her write about Cthulhu. :) The other day, we were having pizza and she told me, "When I grow up, I want to save animals and be a writer like you." I've never smiled for so long.
Well, that's all for now. This is getting long. I'm determined not to smoke another cigarette...ever. I'm going to try to use my slips as a learning experience. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress. Ciao for now!
I didn't post anymore yesterday because I had nothing worthwhile to post. I had a boring, shitty, cranky day. I drove home in a downpour. It sucked. I get home, rush to finish my training batch for my freelance gig, then get stuck in traffic trying to get it to my friend so she had it ready for this morning. Roads were closed all over the place from fallen trees and such.
Once I got home I walked in the house and saw the remainder of my pack that I gave Fran. He hadn't taken it. It just sat on the kitchen counter. By then he had arrived home from work. Without thinking, I snatched up the pack and pulled one out. "I thought you quit," he said as he pulled his own camel out of his pack. "Fuck it." I said.
I slipped. I smoked it. And it felt blissful. Fran just grinned at me and told me not to worry. I never had trouble quitting before, I'd do it eventually. So I looked at him and said, "That's just the thing. It's never been this hard to put them down. I actually feel panic when I think about going through a day without them." All he could say was, "Oh, that's not good."
Sigh. As blissful as it felt, I felt guilty afterwards. I was pissed at myself for letting the day get to me like it did and disgusted with myself for not even being able to make it 24 hours. Not a pleasant feeling. I didn't have another last night. I wanted to...badly, especially right before bed. But I didn't do it. This morning I absentmindedly grabbed them again and through them into my purse. Just like I did every morning for so long. I was only half conscious that I did it. I dropped Kimi off at summer camp and took off for work. Yes, I had one on my commute. Again, it felt blissful. I debated whether or not I was really ready to quit. I mean, if it was THIS hard on me, maybe it just wasn't time.
But then that feeling of disgust and guilt came over me again. I had promised Kimi last week that I was going to quit for good. She had been so happy. She told me she'd help me in any way she could. She's only 8, but she knows that I'm killing myself slowly.
So I didn't have another. I usually have 2 or 3 on the way to work. I went to lunch with my co-worker and gave her the pack. She doesn't smoke. She threw the pack away in front of me at Wendy's in a kind of ceremony. I feel better knowing I can't get to them. But at the same time, I feel fear.
The nicks haven't been as bad today, probably due to the fact that I smoked last night and today. I debated whether to post about the slip ups. I didn't want people pointing fingers at me and being disappointed in me. But I'm an honest person, it would have felt wrong to just leave it out. So that's that. Let the taunting begin.
On a separate note, today Kimi had to bring her favorite stuffed animal to summer camp. She decided to bring Cthulhu. :) I was very proud. I asked what she was going to tell the group about it. She said, "I'm going to tell them that H.P. Lovecraft wrote about Cthulhu. He is one of the old ones and lives beneath the sea. One day he will rise again and rule the earth. Oh yeah, and he's like 80 feet tall or something." I just about laughed myself to death. I wonder what kind of looks I'll get from the counselors when I pick her up this afternoon. heh.
Speaking of camp, I was happy to see that next week they are going to concentrate on creative writing. Kimi saw that Tuesday was dedicated to "scary stories." She was thrilled. "Can I bring in some of yours?" she asked in front of one of the counselors. I just laughed and said she'd have to write her own. She wants to write about Cthulhu. :) Alas, I remembered on the way to work that she is going to miss camp next week because she is going to N.C. with my parents on vacation. Figures. The camp finally does something good and she's going to miss it. Sigh. I'm still going to have her write about Cthulhu. :) The other day, we were having pizza and she told me, "When I grow up, I want to save animals and be a writer like you." I've never smiled for so long.
Well, that's all for now. This is getting long. I'm determined not to smoke another cigarette...ever. I'm going to try to use my slips as a learning experience. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress. Ciao for now!
posted by Meghan at 2:08 PM
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