Hell On A Saturday

Because of the stupid freak snow on Monday that caused me to miss a day of work, I'm making up for it on a Saturday. Lots of fun. Actually, it's not so bad, at least there is no one here to bug me and I can play my music nice and loud. Today's pick? Right now I'm listening to Evanescence. Just got it yesterday. Great CD. I know it's not nearly as heavy as most of the stuff I listen to, but I really dig it. Pretty, haunting, with an edge. I suggest picking it up. But you don't come here for music reviews, so let's get to the more interesting stuff.

Been spending a lot of time on www.emode.com. They have hundreds of tests you can take to learn more about yourself. Yeah, it's a load of crap, but it passes time at the flaming pit of misery. So, every time I post, I'll bring you an interesting tidbit about myself from one of their tests.

Today's test: What kind of monkey are you? I about died when I saw this one. Anyone who knows me knows my obsession with monkeys. I LOVE them! I must have hundreds of stuffed animal monkeys, shirts with monkeys, even underwear with monkeys. Oh yeah, I'm nuts. So naturally, I want to find out what kind of monkey I am. Ready for this? I'm a gorilla. As if you couldn't have guessed. LOL! Ok, here's what they say about me.

Gorilla

You are known within your circle of friends a rock solid, steadfast caretaker. You protect those you care about, no questions asked. Perhaps some see you as a little rough around the edges, but if you'd just stop baring your teeth, people will see straight through to your heart of pure gold. Still, you don't have to abandon your in-your-face attitude, just lighten up a little and give people the chance to get to know you. Because when you make friends, they're often friends for life.

Interestingly enough, you might find that the people who are most drawn to you are those most unlike you, people who are super-quiet and self-conscious. But that may be because they're secretly attracted to the way you can comfort and care for people. You might not really attract other gorillas until it's time to settle down. Otherwise, there's too much opportunity for you to butt heads with someone as stubborn as you can be. Many of your gorilla brothers in the wild are especially fastidious around their nests. For that reason, we could understand if you're the type to leave your shoes off at the front door. Just be sure to warn visitors if this is the case. No telling what kind of temper tantrum could flare up if they don't wipe down the sink when they're done with it.

So what do you think? Sound like me? LOL! I guess I could agree with it all, except for the clean freak thing. Anyone who's seen my carpet can attest to that. But otherwise, I think it's a pretty good match. So go ahead, check out what kind of monkey you are and let me know. www.emode.com.

Word for the day: Spittoon. Ok, I haven't completely lost my mind. My co-worker and I, both being writers and editors, are always coming up with words we just love to say. It has nothing to do with their meaning, just words we think are fun to say and roll off the tongue easily. One of my all time favorite words has to be spittoon. I know, I know, gross. But just listen to the way it comes out. It's a fun word to say and you have to admit, throwing it into everyday conversation will sure to get a laugh, or at least raise an eyebrow. I suggest you use it in a sentence the next time you're at a family get-together. But keep a straight face. :) So when I think of another word I love to say, I'll post it here. They're usually words that don't come up in everyday conversation, which is another reason I like them. Ok, I'll give you one more before I move on. I love to say post haste. It's so "Mr. Burnsish." How many people do you know that still say that? Well, now you know me. I use it all the time. "Fran, get off your ass and take out the garbage! Post haste!"

Ok, enough of all that. Time for a meds update. Experienced first-hand what the Effexor withdrawal is like. Last night I forgot to take my meds with dinner. Hey, I'm a horrible pill taker. About 3 hours after I was supposed to have it, I was doing a crossword puzzle and began to get dizzy. At first I thought I was just tired from looking at a puzzle for an hour. But then I started to shake and my vision blurred. It dawned on me then that I hadn't taken my pills. So I stumble across the room and take them. I sit back down and about 20 minutes later I start to feel normal again. But I was pooped, so I went to bed. Freaky. Very freaky. I get to work today, have my muffin, and take my pills. I notice I only have a few left. Stupid doctor was supposed to give me enough for 3 weeks. My appointment is on Wednesday. I have enough to get me through Sunday, and you guessed it, they aren't open on the weekends. Then I start to panic because I don't even want to think about how bad it will get if I don't have any pills to take. Will I get that dizzy feeling for days? So I called the emergency line and the doctor on call called me back. He said I definitely had withdrawal symptoms and to be on the safe side he's going to call in a prescription that will last 2 weeks. So I'll pick them up today. So once again I'm dependant on drugs. Excellent. I don't know what to think now. But everyone around me says they're helping me. They say I'm more pleasant to be around. I don't want that to change.

I don't know. I have to have a long talk with my doctor on Wednesday. Anyhoo, this post is getting really long, so I better jet for now. Laters!

Another Useless Rambling

Yup, you guessed it, I'm bored again at work. I'm trying to avoid a particularly boring project. So if I can put it off a few more minutes by posting in my blog, I'll be happy.

Thought I'd take some time to clear something up, in case anyone is truly interested in knowing how this drug I'm on is working and all that. The side effects I posted in an earlier rant were for Effexor XR (or extended release). I'm not on that one. I'm on regular, plain old Effexor. It's a relatively new drug so there isn't a whole lot of information yet. Basically they're still doing tests, but the FDA says it's safe, so there you go. heh Anyhoo, the side effects for this one are much like the ones I posted for XR, I just waned to clarify which one I'm on. I take 150 mg a day. 2 pills in the morning, 2 pills at night. It works differently than the other meds I've been on, where I only took one pill a day. Supposedly this is why it has a faster effect, and also why it can become addictive. Not mentally addictive, at least I don't think so, but physically.

I've been thinking about babies quite a bit lately, as you may already know if you've been keeping up with the blog. So the other day I decided to find out what kind of information there is about Effexor and pregnancy. You know, just in case. Apparently there haven't been enough tests done so no one can say for sure. I went to a message board where women who were on Effexor and either pregnant or trying to become pregnant were discussing what their doctors said. I'd say it was split about 50/50. Half the doctors told the ladies to get off the meds, the other half said don't worry about it and stay on. That isn't exactly comforting. Some of the women who were told to get off the drug were talking about their experiences. They were dizzy, sick to their stomach, and their depressive symptoms had come back with a vengeance. Didn't make me feel too good.

What does it all mean for me? I'm not pregnant, nor to I plan to get pregnant any time soon, if my husband has his way, never. But it was pretty frightening to listen to what these women who were trying to get off the drug were going through. I had a flash back to detoxing on the bathroom floor of the rehab my parents stuck me in when I was 15. It wasn't pleasant. Then again when I was pregnant and trying to kick the drugs for good. Morning sickness plus withdrawls equal a lot of pain and suffering. I lost 10 pounds the first few months and I hadn't even been doing all that much. Those were illegal drugs. Drugs that could kill me. Drugs that I would never touch again even if I was in a room full of them. But this Effexor, it's supposed to be a drug to help me. It's supposed to stabalize me. I had no intention of being on an antidepressant for the rest of my life. Eventually I'll have to kick this too. Will I have it in me?

My husband says I seem peppier, more alive. Both my parents say I'm more pleasant to be around and more level-headed. I guess it's doing its job. But at what expense? I don't deny that in general, I've been in a better mood. My road rage has gone down a bit and I'm not stressing over every little thing. But I don't feel "fixed." I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I still feel down much of the time, but I am getting better. That's a good thing, right? I just hope what I'm doing to my body is worth it. I can tell you that I've had a headache now for 3 days. Not sure if it's due to the meds or not. No real way of knowing. My appetite has gone way down. I'm not complaining about that. I need to lose some poundage. But I've also been waking up a lot at night. I haven't gottten a full night's sleep in ages. I don't know what it all means. I'm no expert.

I'm seeing my shrink again tonight. I guess I'll relay it all to her and find out what she thinks. I'll keep you posted on any new information I come across.

Thanks for listening to yet another rant. Sorry to make it such a long one. Until next time...

Another Day Another Dollar

Here I am, at the flaming pit of misery, watching the minutes tick by slowly. I think it's safe to say that I have lost all enthusiasm for this job, what little I had started out with that is. I wake up dreading the day. Lately I've had to rip myself from my comfy bed and force myself into the motions of getting ready every morning. Then I make the 40 mile commute (which can take anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours, depending on traffic, accidents, etc.). By the time I get to work I'm usually agitated over some asshole in a BMW cutting me off, or an SUV driver weaving between lanes, or an old caddy going 25 miles an hour in the fast lane. I get to come in to a boss who could obviously give two shits about me. I get to briefly chat with the only peson in the office I can stand, then I go to my desk...which can't be seen under the mounds of papers and files.

Ok, I admit, I'm not the neatest person in the world. But maybe if I gave an iota of crap about this job I'd be a little more organized. I spend my day in front of the computer, either writing boring employment law and human resources related articles, or editing boring employment law and human resources articles. I get to occassionally break up my day by talking to my co-worker, but we were recently told that we chat too much and have to cut it out. So now I break up my day by dreaming of a quick death by plummeting out my office window. Damn plexiglass...it wouldn't break even if I through my computer through it. Sigh. With my luck I'd probably just break my neck and end up a vegetable or something.

I also tend to search Monster.com and hotjobs throughout the day and have sent my resume to dozens of prospective companies. I've never heard from any of them. I even tried using the classifieds, but never heard from any of those either. Here's the problem, I'm either overqualified, hence they can't pay me enogh, underqualified, or have all the skills but lack a degree. So I'm basically trapped here because I don't have a piece of paper saying I graduated from some educational facility...even though I have better skills and more experience than some recent grad. It sucks ass. Life experience should count for something, wouldn't you think?

So I keep getting up every day and coming to this hellhole, praying that someone will fire me so I can collect unemployment and write. But for some reason they keep me around. Maybe they enjoy toying with my life. Zapping all my creative energy and sending me home a battered woman. It wouldn't be so bad if I got an ounce of respect. But women with kids are looked down on here, not to mention you don't get a second look unless your boobs are popping out of your shirt. Yeah, my boss is a real smart manager. He breaks just about every rule we preach to companies that they should follow. It would really be quite amusing if I didn't have to live through it day after day.

I wish I could go back to school and get that stupid piece of paper. Of course that takes time and money, I have neither. I'm the bread winner in my household, so I can't afford to take a paycut for a better job. I'm basically fucked for now. Until I can find someone to give me a chance. Who knows if that door will ever open.

Sorry to whine about the job again. Having to work in general sucks. But if I could at least find a job I could tolerate, I wouldn't complain. My plan to win the lottery is probably never going to come to fruition. And my plan to become a best-selling writer will probably never happen either. So it looks like I'll be staying in the pit for awhile. I just hope that I'm not so buried under this crap that I won't see an opportunity if one should happen by.

Killing Time At The Pit

It feels like Monday. Maybe that's because I had to stay home yesterday because my daughter's school was closed...due to SNOW in APRIL! WTF? I am so sick of winter, and it's supposed to be spring! And do I even get to enjoy my day off? Not really, because now I have to go in on Saturday. Sigh.

It might as well be Monday. Hell, the commute was like a typical "start of the week hell commute." A 45 minute drive took me an hour and a half. 45 minutes of which I spent in stop and go traffic...which was more stop than go. Must have been an accident but by the time the traffic cleared there was nothing to see, so I don't know what it was. I only know I got to work at 9. So it's either work through my lunch or stay till 5. I chose work through lunch. Not that I've been doing much work. Just can't focus today. My head is killing me.

Which brings me to my next issue. I missed my second dose of meds last night. Just forgot. That happens when you have the memory of a 90 year old alzheimers patient. I woke up with this terrible headache. Not a migraine, but pretty close. No over the counter meds are helping. Now because of this stupid drug I'm on, I get paranoid. Is it because I missed a dose? Is this the beginning of withdrawals? Am I getting addicted? I took them this morning and it hasn't gotten rid of the headache. It's probably just a headache. But me being the obsessive freak that I am can't help but worry.

You may be thinking, "Dumbass, just call your doctor." To which I reply, "Fuck you for calling me a dumbass." No, actually, in all seriousness, I know I should. Problem is, trying to get through to my doc is like trying to win a radio contest. The damn line is busy all morning, then they completely shut down from 1 to 2. Then, once I do get through, of course my doc isn't available to talk to, so I leave a message. And then we play phone tag for a week. I know how it goes. So I just say fuck it. I'm seeing her in a week anyway. Might as well wait, unless I go into seizures or something. I'd get a better doctor, but that would require better insurance. And I'm not even going to get into the scam that is medical insurance right now. Don't get me started.

So you could say my week isn't exactly starting out on the right foot. Add to that I still haven't done my taxes and I have about a billion projects that need my attention and my ongoing search for a way out of the flaming pit of misery...well, you can see where I'm going. Good thing I'm on meds or I might take out the next cell phone toting soccer mom in her giant SUV.

Today's post was obviously useless rambling. Don't mind me. I'm just trying my damndest to avoid actual work. 2 more hours in hell. I wonder if I can make it without reducing one of my co-workers to tears. (That's a good story! Remind me to tell ya when I haven't already gone on and on about nothing in particular.) :)