Once, Twice, Three Times A Teller

So I'm hanging out in the drive-up at the moment covering for a teller who's taking her lunch. I've been doing a lot of teller work lately and boy, I've never missed dealing with the momos in customer service more. I'm not trying to bash tellers. On the contrary...I don't understand how the hell they do it day in and day out. There's the stress of knowing that you are responsible for thousands of dollars during the day. There's that constant fear of being over...or worse...short in your drawer. (I was $100 short last week and it was never recovered. Can pretty much kiss my promotion goodbye for awhile.) I consider myself a pretty intelligent human being...but when I'm a teller I feel like the biggest boob! I'm slow, I'm nervous, I make stupid mistakes. I just feel so out of my element. When I had that difference last week, I took it real hard.

Anyhoo, so I loathe it over here in tellerville, but we're short staffed and I'm trained, so I help out. I miss my CSR desk! So..the drive through is kinda dead at the moment (I think I just jinxed myself...it'll get real busy now, watch) so I figured I'd come and post. I'm going to the therapist tonight, so I doubt I'll get the time to post later.

To any of you who are wondering, yeah, I'm still in my dark, bad place. There are some extra things bugging me since my last post, but nothing I can go public with just yet. Maybe soon. I don't know. Things are so upside down right now I sometimes wonder if everything is just a dream. Maybe I've been sleeping and I'm not really 28, married with two kids, and all that. Maybe I'm still 16 and this has all been one long dream, spelling out the future for me. If I woke up tomorrow and that was the case, would I do things differently to prevent the mess that is my life? I doubt it. Having my kids is worth the mess I've created. If I hadn't dated that scumbag Chip I wouldn't have my daughter. If I hadn't gotten married when I did I wouldn't have my son. And if I didn't have my son I would have never met some of the great people I know now. Circumstances...everything happens for a reason...yada yada.

Ok, sorry for rambling. Ellie will be back from lunch soon enough, so I better jet for now. I'll try to post some more tomorrow. Till then....

Guess Who's Back...Back Again

Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only....Meghan "disappearing act" Fatras is in the building!

Ok, so I know I've been bad, neglecting my five readers, and for that, I am sorry. I can give you all the excuses in the world, how busy work has been, how my computer at home is fried and needs to be fixed (I'm on my parents' now), how tired I am when I am home, blah blah blah. But the truth of the matter is, when I need to get shit out, I don't let any of that stop me. So why have I been in hiding? Because what little I have to rant about that isn't the same shit you always see on here, I don't feel comfortable sharing just yet.

Quite honestly, I've been hanging out in the bad place for awhile now. From the outside, everything looks fine. I get up every morning and go to work, bust my ass, and go home. I even go out on occassion with some of the people I work with...I drink, I laugh, I dance. I BS with the folks at work and make jokes and act like the typical "Megs." But the inside is a whole other world.

The bad place is in my head and I can't seem to get away from it. If I keep myself busy at work and hanging with friends, I can keep it at bay for awhile. But it always comes crashing back full force once I'm alone. Sometimes it creeps through even when I am with people. Those are the days at work where my co-workers steer clear.

What can I say? I've been sucked in. There's a lot running around my head, most of it depression, lonliness, and guilt. Funny how you can be surrounded by people yet still feel all alone...isn't it? There are things in my head that scare me. There are things in my head that make me cry. Hell, I can't fall asleep these days without sobbing into my pillow. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids...and the thought that it could all get better soon.

That's the good news, I suppose. I haven't given up all hope. I still cling to that tiny thread that it could all turn around. I just hope that in the meantime that thread doesn't snap.

So, to all of you who have been wondering, I'm alive. I may not be well...but alive indeed. I'd promise to post more often, but I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. All I can tell you is that I'll try. But before I go, I just want to thank you guys for thinking of me. It's nice to know that some people really do care.

Till next time...