Hell Week - Day 4: Adjusting To A Smokeless Life

Made it another day. Though I think I have a few more gray hairs and even my cats are avoiding me. I used that nicotine gum, tastes awful, helps a bit. It was either that, smoke, or take out a few people with a baseball bat. It did well for an emergency situation. I still plan on only using it when absolutely necessary.

Don't think this counts as a slip, but last night Fran was smoking on the porch. I walked out there and just inhaled the smoke coming off his cigarette. Not as great as the real thing, but nice. I took a couple whiffs and went back inside. I think he feels bad smoking in front of me, but not bad enough to quit. He'll quit the day he dies, and that's that.

I've been waking up a lot at night lately. Don't know if it's from quitting or allergies or what. But last night I just could NOT fall asleep. I laid there from midnight until about 5. I knew the alarm was going to go off at 5 so I could wake up Fran. Afterwards I think I passed out at about 6:30, woke up at 8. And here I am at the Pit. Sigh. My boss isn't here today and I have nothing to do. But I need the money so I'm here. At least I get to take off early today.

Picking up my glasses this afternoon. Yup. Glasses. 5 years ago or so I was prescribed reading glasses. I haven't been able to put them on in about 3 years because they just don't work anymore. So I finally got around to going back to the eye doctor. Now I have to wear them full time. Joy. It's not that I hate glasses. Many people look great in them. I do not. I just don't have the face for them. I look like an ass.

So what do I do? I pick out the white-trashiest, tackiest pair in the place. Black cat's eye glasses with rhinestones in the corners. hehehe I figure, if I gotta look like an ass, might as well go full-on Meghan style. I'll consider putting a picture of me wearing them up on the site. Maybe. But it should be interesting to be able to see. I'm just afraid once I put the glasses on I'll look at Fran and say, "THAT'S what you look like?" hehehe Kidding honey.

Well, it's just about time for the little office party to say goodbye to one of our customer service people. After I quit two more people handed in their notice. I don't want to say I started a trend...but employees at this place are dropping like flies. heh heh heh So I'm off to grab a piece of cake....I need it today.

Oh yeah...finally got my test results. They were in the mail yesterday. Everything is cool. Funny how yesterday they couldn't tell me that over the phone, they had to send it by mail. Makes a whole lotta sense.

Hell Week - Day 3: Back On Track

Ok, I have not slipped up since yesterday morning. I have now made it a little over 24 hours without so much as smelling smoke. I'm proud of myself. And I want to kill everyone I see. I am cranky, quick-tempered, tired, frustrated, and easily annoyed. I fly into rages without being provoked and I growl at anyone who dares step foot in my office. But since that's how I normally am at work, I'm guessing everything will be ok.

I was going to use that nicotine gum, but something about fighting a nicotine habit with nicotine seems wrong. I understand the concept and I don't mean to slam anyone who uses it, I know it has helped some people. But for others, like my father, it becomes a crutch. I know me. I have an EXTREMELY addictive personality. I think that I'd end up just like my dad. I have the gum...just in case the cravings get so intolerable that it's between the gum and smoking. But so far, I've been able to get through by chewing lots of regular gum, gnawing on straws, and sucking on Starbursts. Of course my family has been steering clear of me too, which helps. :)

My sore throat is gone, I still have a cough though. But my allergies were bad yesterday so I can't say whether it's the effects of quitting or not. I spent some time on the Quit Net message boards yesterday and found someone who quit the same day I did who seems to be having just as much trouble. It's good to have someone to vent to who is going through exactly what you are. If anyone out there is thinking of quitting, I highly suggest checking the site out. You don't have to live in NJ to use it. Just go to www.njquitnet.com and put in your info. The basic membership is free, and it definitely helps.

I've been having trouble sleeping the past couple of nights. I think it's a combination of my allergies, quitting, and my sentence at the Pit winding down. I'm thrilled to be getting out of here but nervous at the same time. Freelancing is taking a big chance. It's not a stable paycheck. What if the company I work for hits a slow time and can't guarantee me enough work to live off of. What do I do then? I knew I was taking a chance when I got into this, but the only way to get where you want to be is by taking chances. I just hope this one doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Remember how I told you about my plumbing issues and my doc appt. last week? I've been calling every day and my doc doesn't seem to be around. The receptionist tells me it can take weeks for test results to come back. Funny, I've been going to a plumbing doc since I was 14....never had to wait more than a couple of days to get the AOK call. So what does this mean? Is she stalling? Is it bad news that they have to look into further? Did they screw up the tests and can't find the results? Is it really taking this long to process? Is my doc a ditz who can't seem to call me back? I hate not knowing what's going on. I was feeling better when the doc told me that it was probably nothing, but she was testing me for a couple of things just to be sure. Now I'm worried again. What if she was wrong?

I'm babbling now. I don't bother talking to Fran about this. He just tells me I'm fine and being paranoid...which may be true, but it's not exactly what a woman wants to hear from her husband when she's looking for comfort. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to dwell. At least I found out at the doc that my fainting spells have nothing to do with my meds. I have VERY LOW blood pressure, so when I get too hot or don't eat....poof. I'm out like a light. Good to know.

Well, back to work at the Pit. Since I'm on my way out I'm trying to look busy. :) Till next time.

Hell Week - Day 2: Slip Sliding

I didn't post anymore yesterday because I had nothing worthwhile to post. I had a boring, shitty, cranky day. I drove home in a downpour. It sucked. I get home, rush to finish my training batch for my freelance gig, then get stuck in traffic trying to get it to my friend so she had it ready for this morning. Roads were closed all over the place from fallen trees and such.

Once I got home I walked in the house and saw the remainder of my pack that I gave Fran. He hadn't taken it. It just sat on the kitchen counter. By then he had arrived home from work. Without thinking, I snatched up the pack and pulled one out. "I thought you quit," he said as he pulled his own camel out of his pack. "Fuck it." I said.

I slipped. I smoked it. And it felt blissful. Fran just grinned at me and told me not to worry. I never had trouble quitting before, I'd do it eventually. So I looked at him and said, "That's just the thing. It's never been this hard to put them down. I actually feel panic when I think about going through a day without them." All he could say was, "Oh, that's not good."

Sigh. As blissful as it felt, I felt guilty afterwards. I was pissed at myself for letting the day get to me like it did and disgusted with myself for not even being able to make it 24 hours. Not a pleasant feeling. I didn't have another last night. I wanted to...badly, especially right before bed. But I didn't do it. This morning I absentmindedly grabbed them again and through them into my purse. Just like I did every morning for so long. I was only half conscious that I did it. I dropped Kimi off at summer camp and took off for work. Yes, I had one on my commute. Again, it felt blissful. I debated whether or not I was really ready to quit. I mean, if it was THIS hard on me, maybe it just wasn't time.

But then that feeling of disgust and guilt came over me again. I had promised Kimi last week that I was going to quit for good. She had been so happy. She told me she'd help me in any way she could. She's only 8, but she knows that I'm killing myself slowly.

So I didn't have another. I usually have 2 or 3 on the way to work. I went to lunch with my co-worker and gave her the pack. She doesn't smoke. She threw the pack away in front of me at Wendy's in a kind of ceremony. I feel better knowing I can't get to them. But at the same time, I feel fear.

The nicks haven't been as bad today, probably due to the fact that I smoked last night and today. I debated whether to post about the slip ups. I didn't want people pointing fingers at me and being disappointed in me. But I'm an honest person, it would have felt wrong to just leave it out. So that's that. Let the taunting begin.

On a separate note, today Kimi had to bring her favorite stuffed animal to summer camp. She decided to bring Cthulhu. :) I was very proud. I asked what she was going to tell the group about it. She said, "I'm going to tell them that H.P. Lovecraft wrote about Cthulhu. He is one of the old ones and lives beneath the sea. One day he will rise again and rule the earth. Oh yeah, and he's like 80 feet tall or something." I just about laughed myself to death. I wonder what kind of looks I'll get from the counselors when I pick her up this afternoon. heh.

Speaking of camp, I was happy to see that next week they are going to concentrate on creative writing. Kimi saw that Tuesday was dedicated to "scary stories." She was thrilled. "Can I bring in some of yours?" she asked in front of one of the counselors. I just laughed and said she'd have to write her own. She wants to write about Cthulhu. :) Alas, I remembered on the way to work that she is going to miss camp next week because she is going to N.C. with my parents on vacation. Figures. The camp finally does something good and she's going to miss it. Sigh. I'm still going to have her write about Cthulhu. :) The other day, we were having pizza and she told me, "When I grow up, I want to save animals and be a writer like you." I've never smiled for so long.

Well, that's all for now. This is getting long. I'm determined not to smoke another cigarette...ever. I'm going to try to use my slips as a learning experience. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress. Ciao for now!

Day One Continues...

Ok, I'm surrounded by caffeine and sugar. My two new best friends. Though someone told me that I should cut back on the caffeine because it can make cravings worse. I'm popping Starbursts like they're going out of style. But I only like the red and yellow ones, so I'll be making several trips to the vending machine. Note to self: go buy a huge bag of starbursts from the grocery store tonight.

Been keeping busy on message boards and email. I could do some work...but I'm not that desperate yet. ;) Went out to lunch with a co-worker, mercifully there was no one in the smoking section, so the sweet smell of nicotine did not waft over to where we were sitting. I ate a fattening, greasy, heart-attack sandwhich and french fries. I felt better. hehe

I'm sleepy now. Could be the full belly. Could be the boredom of work. Could be the allergies. Could be part of nicotine withdrawal. All I know is I just want to go home and lay down. But I can't. And of course time is going to drag.

Hell Week - Day One: God Has A Sick Sense Of Humor

I had my last cigarette at 11:30 last night, before bed. I woke up to the alarm this morning, shut it off, and crawled back into bed. I just didn't want to start my day. My mother ended up coming over to ask me if I was ever getting out of bed around 8. Shit. I got up and flew through my shower. Got Kimi to summer camp and headed to work. All the while I was trying to ignore the fact that today, I'm quitting smoking.

I kept the window rolled down and the radio up. I chewed on a straw and tried to keep my mind on a story I started yesterday. Everything was going pretty well, until I approached the exit for rt. 17. Why were there a line of cars just stopped there? Fuck.

So I sat there, not moving, for about ten minutes. Then we crept forward about three feet, if that. And it went on like that for a half hour. Every minute that went by I obsessed even more about a cigarette. I told myself, "See, if I had my smokes with me, I wouldn't be so anxious about being stuck in traffic." But I didn't have any smokes on me, and I wasn't about to leave my car on the exit ramp and walk to the nearest store. heh

I started to get really angry. Of course this would happen on a day where I was already running late and I needed to get out early this afternoon to take care of some errands. This WOULD happen on the day I CAN'T SMOKE! Finally the traffic started moving and I saw that the holdup was a slow moving dump truck with a guy hanging out of it plopping cones down the middle of the right lane. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I finally get to work. I announce to my boss that I have quit smoking and it would be best for him to stay away from me today. He nods in understanding. I rant to my co-worker about the traffic and about how bad I want a cigarette. She has never smoked in her life, she says to not think about it and have a mint. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I get into my office and turn on the computer. I'm not here more than five minutes when my editor comes in and starts going on and on about how I need to make sure everything is filed and easily findable once I'm gone. Duh. Meanwhile, I still have another 3 weeks in this dump. (Yeah, I had to move my last day to Aug. 7th...grrrrrrrrr). Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Suddenly the loud mouth two offices down who I'm used to having to hear all day is pushing me to consider going postal. She just sits on that phone yapping and yapping, her voice is like a drill boring into my brain. Why can't she talk in normal tones? Soon she and the big boss will start arguing about something or another. They do this in their separate offices, my office and two others are between them. They don't do it over the phone or intercom. They just shout at each other from their offices. This has always made my skin crawl. Today I might just do what I've always dreamed of. Screaming "Shut the fuck up!" at the top of my lungs. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

No, I'm not cranky. I'm LIVID. At what? I don't know. But I can guarantee you anything that doesn't go smoothly today will push me further and further until I explode on the ones most near and dear to me when I get home tonight. I really don't want that to happen. But they are all prepared for the possibilities.

Healthwise I'm not doing too bad. My throat is a little sore and I'm coughing a bit, but that could just be from my allergies. I'm starving though. I have a feeling that I'll be gorging on lunch. Sigh. There goes the diet.

Anyhoo, that's all I have to report so far. I'll be sure to pop back on if anything interesting happens, like me bitch-slapping the loud mouth or getting kicked out of Bennigans for emptying out their kitchen.

D-Day Almost Here

Tomorrow is quit day. Funny, last week when I joined up at NJ Quit Net I was so excited. I felt like I had a plan I could follow this time. I was certain I'd be successful. Now, when I know tomorrow I can't have my morning cigarette, I'm starting to panic. Can I really do this? My cigarettes are like my security blanket. I smoke when I'm angry, sad, worried. I smoke when I'm happy, having a few drinks, on a drive. I smoke when I'm hungry and don't want to snack. I smoke when I'm thinking about characters, plot, or editing. My cigarettes are always there for me to turn to. They understand me. They are my friends.

If you're a non-smoker reading this blog, you'll most certainly think that I'm a complete whack job. But I am mentally addicted to smoking. It's hard to picture going through life without a cigarette dangling out of my mouth or sitting between my fingers. As worried as I am about the withdrawal, the physical side effects...I'm more freaked out about my mental addiction. The nicotine will be out of my body in less than a week. The triggers that lead me to want a cigarette will be here for the rest of my life. Am I strong enough to ignore them? Will I end up replacing one addiction with another?

I've been a smoker on and off since I was 13. I was more of a social smoker until I started using cocaine and heroin. Then I was a social smoker who also smoked when I couldn't get my hands on any drugs. Once I went through rehab and quit using...I was a pack a day or more for two years. I stayed off the drugs (with the exception of a couple of slips) but I had to have my cigarettes. I replaced my narcotics with a legal drug.

I was able to quit when I got pregnant. I even held off for almost a year after my daughter was born. But when I started feeling the pressure of single motherhood, full-time school and full-time work...I caved and went for my smokes again. Since then I'd be on for a few months to a year or so, then off a month or so, then back on, then off. I must have quit a dozen times in the last 7 years, but it never lasted for long. For the past three years my time "on" smoking has been getting longer and longer and my time "off" shorter and shorter. My friends who smoke used to get pissed at me. Telling me it was unfair that I could pick up smoking and put it down without a problem. They'd kill for that. But it wasn't like I could put them down. I tried, again and again, but I always came back. I obviously couldn't just put them down whenever I wanted. I always picked them back up again. But I used this as an excuse anyway. "I take smoking breaks. My lungs won't be as badly affected."

The last year has been the hardest. I've been smoking more and more and now I'm afraid if I don't stop, I'll be chain smoking and going through 2 packs a day. I don't think it's my body craving it as much as it is my mind. That is going to be the hardest part for me.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not trying to "punk out." I'm still hell bent on quitting. I'm just nervous. I want to quit. I don't want these damn things ruling my life anymore. I want to learn how to deal with things more productively. It's just going to be a tough ride. I smoke my last cigarette tonight before I go to bed. The thought is both frightening, and liberating. I have so many wonderful friends that want to help me through this, even the ones that still smoke. And my family has been great. I think with their help I'll be able to do it for good this time. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. :)

Till tomorrow......and a smoke-free me.