Another Day On The Pity Pot

I don't know if it's the damn hormones or what, but I'm feeling down today. I just wrote an email to a friend and got all teary. She and a bunch of other friends have been hanging out at this new club for a couple of months now. I get all the gorey details and the place sounds like a lot of fun. They keep telling me they're going to bring me there after the baby is born. And that's cool. But it just reminds me of how much I'm missing right now.

Before I got pregnant I was pretty active. I'd go to clubs, concerts, hell...even strip clubs. I could drink with the best of them and threw one hell of a party. I'm pretty much known as a party girl...and I loved every minute of it. In the beginning, I was so sick that I couldn't go out anywhere. Then I started getting all big. I can't drink, I can't be around really loud music, and let's face it...a big pregnant woman waddling around a bar or club? I don't think so. So it's been FOREVER since I've been out.

I don't begrudge my friends anything. Of course I don't think they should stop going out and become homebodies just because I'm pregnant. I want them to have a good time, and I enjoy hearing about the funny shit that goes down when they go out. It's just sometimes I feel so damn lonely. I know I must sound like a big baby. I've had to give up going out for 9 months...poor me. I know. And it's not like I regret getting pregnant or hold this against the baby. I'm not like that. I guess I'm just bored, and lonely.

My husband told me last night that he and a friend of his are thinking about going to this club this weekend. Fran has never been either. This made me feel even worse. Like now I'm the only one that hasn't been there. So selfish me asked him not to go...to go anywhere but there. I'm not one of those wives that doesn't let her husband go out without her, or tries to stop him from hanging with "the guys." It honestly doesn't bother me when he goes out. He needs a life too...and before getting pregnant, I used to go out without him too. So it has nothing to do with that. But so far, he's been the only one dealing with the same thing I am. He's sorta not been included too. And now if he goes, I'll feel like the only one excluded. Again, I'm not saying that anyone is doing the excluding...it just happens in this situation.

So, anyhoo, now I'm on my pity pot. I've been working my ass off ever since I was able to keep food down, only I still don't make nearly as much as I was and we still can't pay our bills. I feel like I'm stressed out all the time and constantly working for nothing. And when the day is done, I can't even unwind or go out and destress. I'm stuck at home, in front of the TV. My will to do anything I love is gone. I can't write, I don't feel like painting, I don't even feel like picking up a book. Most of the time I'm too damned tired to do any of those things anyway. I guess you could call it pre-partum depression. I can only imagine what's going to happen once I give birth. I'll go out once I'm healed up to the club, have a few drinks, dance and laugh. But after that, I'll be stuck home again. My parents will have no problem letting me out after being pent up this long...but not like I used to. I can't go out every weekend and leave the baby with the rents or Fran. And you want to talk tired? I'll be up every 2 to 3 hours at night and tending to a newborn all day. Things aren't going to magically get better. And the financial situation will just get worse. Sure I'll be on my meds, but it isn't a miracle drug.

I guess what this whole whine is about is that I feel like who I was 8 months ago is gone, never to return. I feel lonely, and old. I know everyone has to grow up sometime, I guess I just wasn't totally prepared. I love this baby with all my heart and I'm thrilled to be having him. But that doesn't take away some of the sadness that comes with having to give up certain aspects of my life. I know in the end, what I give up will be replaced with things I couldn't have had without the baby. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm ungrateful or anything like that. It's just that some days I feel like an outsider, and that I don't even know myself anymore.

I wonder if any of this makes sense. It did to me when I started, now I fear I may be rambling. But whatever. I needed to get it out of my head.

Things Are Getting Real Now

Ok, so I've been carrying this baby for 33 weeks and 4 days. I thought that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared. I've done this before, not like I have no clue what I'm doing. But as my due date approaches, it seems that things are becoming more real. The baby is big enough now where there are no more real kicks, but a lot of stretching and such. He's running out of room, and I'm running out of time. His nursery is still my office. I've picked out the paint color, bought the stencils, registered for the furniture, and picked out the carpet. But I've yet to start putting it all together. My shower is fast approaching...it's not a surprise. So I know soon my house will be filled with baby stuff. My doctor visits are every 2 weeks, and after the next one, will be every week. I now look like a whale about to burst and people who were coming up to me only a few weeks ago saying, "you barely look pregnant" are now saying, "whoa! Where did that belly come from?" D-day is fast approaching. I've been complaining for the last 7 months that this pregnancy was dragging. Now I'm starting to panic that I'll go into labor...and not be ready.

He's got the hiccups right now. My stomach is rythmically bouncing. If I eat a piece of chocolate, he starts to roll around like crazy. If I press my hand against my stomach, eventually a foot or elboy tries to force it off. He'll jump when he hears my voice, and seems to know when my husband, daughter, and mother are in the room. He already has a personality. I feel like I know him. Then why am I so nervous to see him?

On the one hand, I can't wait to hold and cuddle him. To do the things so many people take for granted, feed him, change him, put a cute outfit on him, sing to him, or just hold him and stare at him. I love him so much already that I feel like I'm going to burst sometimes. But at the same time, I'm scared. Scared that something will go wrong before he's born or during delivery. Scared that I won't be able to handle two children. Scared that I won't be a good enough mother. And then there's the fact that he's safe from the harsh world there in my womb. Once he's out, it's up to me to keep him from harm. There's so much responsibility involved...am I up to the task?

I've been reading lots of books and articles online. I know that everything I'm feeling is normal and blah blah. Doesn't make it any easier, or the feelings less real. We're getting down to the wire now folks...and that scares the hell out of me. But I'm lucky to have a circle of friends and family that is full of love and support. Without you guys, I'd be a COMPLETE basketcase. I love you all!

Ok, hallmark moment over. Thanks for listening.