Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

Have you ever been unhappy...I mean REALLY unhappy, but you thought you knew how to make things better? What if making yourself better would hurt those you care about? What do you do then? Sacrifice your happiness to save your loved ones from hurting...or be selfish and do what you need to do to make yourself happy? Either way, you're fucked. Not to mention, should you choose the selfish route...can you be absolutely sure that it would ensure your happiness? What if you were wrong? What if it just makes everything worse, and on top of that, you've hurt those you love. What then?

I just wish I could be psychic for one day, just to look into the future and find out which path will lead to happiness. But that ain't gonna happen. So for now I'll just have to hang on and hope the answer comes to me...from somewhere.

Been Hangin On

I seem to start so many of these things with "sorry it's been so long..." You all know that things are busy and time is short. But I've also been in a mood lately. I know when I'm down or manic or whatever I should come here and get it all out (that WAS the reason I started this thing) but lately I've been in a place where I've been keeping it in.

Maybe it's because some of the issues are with people and I can't go throwing them in here without permission. If I don't use names, there will still be people who read this who will know who I'm talking about and either get pissed or go blabbing and gossiping. I think it's also because I don't know how to verbalize a lot of it.

So many things are swirling around in my head, things that frighten me, things that depress me, things that make my heart thump in my chest and knots grow in my throat. I don't even know who I can tell these things to. My friends are trustworthy, that's not the problem. The problem is...do I really want anyone to know?

I've always been an open book. I have no problem telling it like it is, including things about myself. I'm not ashamed of who I am, though I may be ashamed of some of the things I've done. But everything I've done, and everything I've gone through has made me who I am. The problem with being open, though, is that sometimes things are better left alone, kept quiet. I'm so confused about so many things, though I'd like advice, I don't know if I can ask.

This must be confusing for you guys (all 5 of you who read this) and I'm sorry for that. Today I felt like posting...felt like letting it all out and getting it over with. But fear and anxiety turned it into the post you're reading.

I sorta feel like I'm drowning...slowly...just waiting for something or someone to grab on to. I'm tired of walking around pretending that things are "busy and tiring, but in general ok." It's not like that at all. Things are not ok.

This post really wasn't meant to get a bunch of people to email or call me to ask what's wrong and tell me that they're there for me. I know who's there for me. But right now I just can't go to anyone. It's hard to explain. I'm just asking for you to understand, not to try to help.

Sorry for another useless post. Maybe I'll grow some balls soon and confront all this bullshit.