The Definition Of Meghan - Self Loathing

Ok, so that's what my shrink calls it. "Meghan, I sense some self-loathing here..." Um, you think? Ok...yesterday's rant was particularly pathetic, and that I apologize for. Sometimes I even disgust myself. So I figured I'd better do some damage control.

It's ok people, I'm fine...put away the suicide hotline numbers. I'm not ready to buy it yet. Relax.

That being said, let me explain a little bit about my issues. I've said it many times, but I feel the need to reiterate. One of my major malfunctions is that I tend to overreact. I'm not talking small potatos whining, I'm talking "I want to die because I've misplaced my headphones!" Ok? Rediculous, I know...but hey, it's me. So yesterday I was having a particularly crappy day. I overreacted...the result..my blog entry. It's not like I was lieing. I really did feel that way yesterday. Today the problems are the same, but I am handling them better. Partly because I went shopping yesterday. Anyone who says shopping isn't a drug is insane. I could feel the positive endorphins flood my brain as I slid my credit card to the cashier. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Relief.

I'm always going to have my ups and downs. Hell, the definition of my defect is UPS and DOWNS. Like, to the extreme. My main focus as of late is to try to tone them down...or up...depending on the situation. You get me.

I still haven't quite figured out how to do that...but I'm working on it. Until I find the solution, you're just going to have to put up with the extremes. But hey, it's entertainment. Use it to poke fun at me. I don't mind.

So...in closing...I'm fine. No big deal. Situation normal...all fucked up.

Can't Pull Myself Off The Pity Pot

So if you're not in the mood to hear me whine, exit the site now. Honestly, I can't put my finger on just one thing to complain about. It's not really so much something that's happened as something I'm feeling. The past couple of months I've been feeling a mixture of depression and happiness. When something good happens, I get happy. But for the most part I'm my miserable self. But the past couple of weeks, even the good things don't seem to put a smile on my face.

I lack motivation. I don't even have the desire to do the things I used to love anymore. Writing being one of them. I had all these plans, projects...now, I just don't care enough to see any of them through. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I know what some of the problems are...but unfortunately those are the ones I don't feel comfortable putting out there into the public eye. I know I have a mental defect that makes me take things the wrong way, get paranoid, and basically overreact to just about everything. This I know. But still...why now is it getting worse? Why all of a sudden has it spun out of control?

The job is sucking more than ever before. Home life has become stagnant. My will to get out of bed every morning gets smaller and smaller every day. I don't think it is these things causing the problem, I think it is the problem causing these things. And I wish I knew a way to stop it.

The people closest to me always tell me to snap out of it. Get over it. Don't be so sensitive. Just get up and DO something. I can't blame them. They are right...it's just not that simple for me though. Maybe you think I'm just a big whiner who is too lazy to do anything about changing her life. Maybe you're right. But that doesn't really matter. Sometimes you sink so low that it's impossible to see where to climb out. At least for now. So I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not asking for "are you ok?" emails and all my friends to come and hold my hand. Though I suspect some will. All I needed to do was vent. Though it might not have made anything any better, at least I'm getting it out. I should be writing a story to exorcise these demons, but I don't see that happening right now.

I really don't know why I'm writing this. It's not entertaining, or helpful. I just felt the need to write it. Anyway, rant over. Sorry for wasting your Internet time.