Exciting News Turns To Crap

Sorry it's been a while since my last posting. Things have been busy and I didn't really have anything all that interesting to say. But yesterday I got news on that possible exciting prospect I told you about. Like most of the crap in my life, it turned out to be bad news. Without going into too much detail, I'll give you the basics. I applied for a job at a NY fiction publishing company. It was my dream job. I was overly excited because I knew I was qualified for the poistion. Hell, I was overqualified for the position. But it didn't matter to me. I just wanted to break into fiction publishing and I didn't care where I started. I even got a recommendation from an editor there. But it wasn't meant to be. I prepared myself for a HUGE pay cut and worked out all the details. Everyone was telling me I was a shoe-in. And as much as I told myself I wouldn't, I did get my hopes up. Very up. But they were shot down yesterday when I got a message on my work voice mail that it was not to be. Another one bites the dust.

Maybe I wouldn't be so entirely bummed if I wasn't stuck in this hell hole. Things get worse and worse here. I try to bounce everything off my thick skin, let my natural "tough" and independant personality work in my favor. But when you've been beaten down for so long, it's hard to stay strong. This place has beeen chisseling away at my confidence and my entire personality for so long now, I feel little of my "spunk," as my family likes to call it, is left. I'm afraid if I stay here much longer, I'll be nothing but an empty shell, performing my work like a robot and collapsing on the bed every night after work, forgetting about all the things I love to do. Don't laugh, those of you that have had or are in a job that treats you like scum know what I mean. Sooner or later you stsrt to believe them. I saw a chance for escape and just like that it was pulled out from under me, and I fell deeper into the pit.

I know there are other jobs out there, but simply finding another one isn't exactly easy. I have no degree. My experience is in a limited field. I'm either over or under qualified for everything I apply for, and believe me, I've been applying. I've sent out over a hundred resumes in the past year, this last job was the closest I've come to getting out of here. Being the breadwinner makes it even harder.

Sorry to go off on a depresive rant, but this affected me worse than I thought it would. I just feel stuck, trapped. It's not a pleasant feeling. And I can't see a way to get out.

I haven't given up on the memoir. I got a little further with it, but honestly things have been a little fucked up the past few days. I'm hoping to get more into it today. But right now I'm at the pit, trying to get shit done so I can go home. I was off Thursday so I could go on the interview and I'm making up for it today. Hardly seems worth it now.

I don't think I can bring anything funny or happy into this post, so I'm just going to end it. Until next time...

Back From The Dead

Well, I wasn't exactly dead, but I did feel like death warmed over (what the hell is that supposed to mean, anyway?) for awhile after the blood drive. I ended up passing out Wednesday night at about 6:30 and sleeping straight through till morning. I felt pretty crappy on Thursday, but it settled down by the weekend.

The meeting on Saturday went well. It was nice to see Brian and Matt Warner again. It's always fun to hang out with writers and talk shop for awhile. That's why I love the GSHW meetings. It's my one chance every month to get away and talk writing. :)

Sunday was Mothers Day. Though I didn't get much of a chance to relax, I did have a good time. My daughter gave me a book she made in school called "Mothers Are Nice." hehehe She even included a copyright. That's my girl! My in-laws were over Sunday and they were looking at the interview I did with Morris Health and Life Magazine. My father-in-law said, "It's like you're a real author." To which my daughter responded, "She IS a real author." Gotta love that kid! :) Even if she would rather be a forest ranger, working with wolves than a novelist. hehehehe

I wish I had more interesting stuff to say. I mean, I sorta do, but I don't know how I feel about it yet. I can tell you that over the weekend I read Alice Sebold's "Lucky." Intense book. Some of it was very hard to get through, emotionally, but it was well worth it. An amazing book of strength and hope. It pushed me to work on a project I've been bouncing back and forth in my mind for awhile now. I think I've finally decided to go ahead with it.

I've decided to write a memoir. Not that I think I'm this incredibly interesting person everyone wants to read about. It's more for my own therapy. I'm not going to think about where I can get it published and all that. I just want to write it...I feel the need to write it. My head hasn't been in my horror fiction lately, and I think this book will help to clear my head and allow me to move on. If it does wind up being published one day, it'll be because I want it to help others who have been in my situation, not to be on a best-sellers list. There will be no Oprah interviews for me. I won't let myself be exploited like that.

Anyhoo, I'll let you know how I progress on that. Other than that there isn't much going on in my life. Still waiting for word on that possible exciting news I mentioned in my last post. Well, it's almost time for my lunch break at the pit, so I guess this is all for now.