Somebody Just Shoot Me And Get It Over With

I feel like 100% ass today. My head is clogged, my stomach is queazy, my nose is dry and itchy, and I'm lost in that "blech" fog. Don't know if it's whatever virus that's circulating currently or just more med withdrawal. I had it down to taking one every three days, but every three days, like clockwork, I started getting sick. I would pop one and feel better about 20 minutes later. It's been like that for over a month. So the last time I took one (3 days ago) I took a half. It didn't really make me feel 100% better, but I was determined to tough it out. Maybe I'll take another half today. I don't know. This shit is harder to kick than heroin for Christ's sake. At least with that shit I was violently ill for 3 days, felt like ass for another couple of days, then it was over. The mental addiction was still there, but I was physically fine. I'm not mentally addicted to this crap. So why can't I just get it out of my system and move on? It's so aggravating.

So, being that I'm not on meds (Taking one every few days does nothing for my mental health.), my behavior has gone from funny crazy to just plain crazy. I had a meltdown yesterday. If I told you what sparked it you'd die of laughter. So let's not go there. All you need to know was that it was a mundane annoyance that turned into WWIII. My mood swings are back in full force...I'm hyper one minute, depressed the next. But lately it's been a hell of a lot more down than up. It's taking its toll on me, and everyone around me.

On my way to work this morning (yes, I'm up at this hour because of work...been here for an hour now) I heard a song that brought me back to 8th grade. Right back to the beginning of my madness. Well, maybe not the true beginning, but when things started to go downhill fast. When my parents and teachers first really noticed I wasn't like most other kids. But I digress.

Anyhoo, K-rock is doing one of their rock block weekends. They were doing a block of Metallica. I was surprised when after playing one of their more recent crappy (cough cough SELLOUT cough cough) songs, they played one of the ones that made Metallica who they are. Back when they had something meaningful to say. Back when I used to listen to them with pride. They actually played "Fade to Black." That song was my fucking anthem when I was 14. As I was singing along (rather loudly and off key) my eyes started to tear. That song says better than I ever could exactly how I feel most days. It was like that 14 years ago when I first heard it and it's like that now. How sad is that?

The funny thing is (not haha funny) that I know what would make me happy. I know what would make the feelings that come with that song a distant memory. I just can't have it. It's an impossible dream. I can't even work towards it, because it's never going to happen. And I'm not just saying that because I'm Captain Negative or anything like that. It's the plain and simple truth.

Ok, I'm starting to ramble now. It's too damn early for these kinds of subjects. But my boss is coming in today, so this is my only opportunity to post.

I'll leave you all with a few lines from the song that says it best...

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he's gone

~Meg

Best Quiz EVER!

Ok, so I admit I was hoping to get Cthulu, but this ain't too shabby...

I amNyarlathotep! The 999 forms of Nyarlathotep are a point of meditation for the true initiate. It is through these manifold faces that the secrets of the universe are made known. Called "The Crawling Chaos", Nyarlathotep is the disembodied ego of Azathoth and thus the universal "I" of known reality. Some of the many documented forms are; Father of Knives, Nephren-Ka, the Black Man, the Beast of the Lashing Tongue to name a few.

Which Great Old One are you?

Random Randomness

Can you tell I'm not in the mood to find a clever title? heh

Anyhoo, sorry for that whole psychotic split personality, mood swing. LOL! One day I post about feeling lower than low, then the next time I post it's about advice for V-day...nothing in between. But honestly, that's a lot how my life is like. One day I'll be crying for no reason, unable to get out of bed...then ten minutes later I'm hyper with the giggles, unable to sit still. It's gotten even more interesting since going off the meds. Well, as off as I can be. I still pop one every couple of days when "the sickness" starts creeping in. It's going to take me months to completely come clean off this crap. My family is waiting and praying that I'll go back to the doc and get on some new miracle drug. Can't say I will...can't say I won't. I can only say that I can't say anything for sure these days.

Anyway, on to the randomness. I was bored at work today, so I decided to read through some of the old posts from waaaaaaaaay back. Ok, back about a year or so. Anyhoo, remember (if you've been with me that long) when I used to post random crap like weird online test results and favorite words and all that? Kept things a little more interesting than just listening to the same old bitching every day. So today I went on my good old online friend, www.emode.com, where I remember taking such quizzes as "What kind of monster are you?" and "Which TV mom are you?" Seems emode has switched to the curiously funnier name of tickle.com. But the emode url still gets ya there. Anyhoo, here are a few results:

Which "That 70s Show" Character Are You? (This one was a no brainer.)

Meg, you're like Hyde

Even if you don't wear aviator sunglasses and rock 'n' roll t-shirts everyday (though we certainly hope you do), it looks like you share Hyde's thought-provoking take on life. Whether or not you're hatching conspiracy theories about corporate America, aliens, or rock legends, it's clear that you don't take things at face value. Somebody's gotta ask the questions. It might as well be a thinker like you.Playing the tough guy may or may not come as easily to you as it does to Hyde. But like him, you've got a soft side underneath that serious exterior. Even if you don't show it, your gang knows it. And that's why you're so groovy to have around!

Are You Secretly A Texan? (I had to do it...for laughs)

Meg, you're secretly Texan when it comes to History

The times may be a changing, but that doesn't mean they're forgotten. An intelligent individual like you enjoys delving into the past and learning not only about it, but also from it. What's more exciting than actually seeing, feeling, and experiencing a place you may have read about?Curious and inquisitive, you like to indulge your imagination and sense of adventure. Armchair travel is fine for some, but you'd rather experience it firsthand by checking out museums and historic sites, treading the same steps as your forefathers, and piecing the facts together for yourself. And that's how you can relate to the richly historic Lone Star State. Remember the Alamo?

What Kind Of "Cool" Are You? (Shit, I'm all sorts of cool...I already know this!)

Meg, you're Cool as Ice

No doubt about it — you've got things under control. A thinker and a planner, you usually don't jump into anything without a plan to get in and a plan to get out. It's pretty safe to assume that you're the brainiac of your friends, and they turn to you when they need someone to take the lead.You're full of good ideas, and you've got the ability to execute them. You're also especially skilled at letting your head rule your heart. There's nothing you won't accomplish if you set your mind to it. Now that's cool.

What's Your Sexual IQ? (Curiosity got the better of me...)

Meg, your Sex IQ is 114!

You scored higher than 83% of other people who have taken our test. As you were taking the test, we measured how your sexual knowledge stacks up in the 8 areas that contribute to your Sex IQ. You scored highest when it comes to knowing about sexual orientaion. But it might surprise you how you scored in the other areas that make you sexually smart.

The last one there wanted me to pay money to find out how I scored in other areas of my sexual IQ. Hilarious what some suckers will pay for. Not me. I'm comfortable with my sexual knowledge...a little too comfortable. heh

Ok...other randomness...two newer songs that I can't keep out of my head. Most of you know how I rarely like any of the new crap that comes out...but these two might make me go out and buy their CDs.

Hysteria
By - Muse


It's bugging me, grating me
And twisting me around
Yeah I'm endlessly caving in
And turning inside out

'Cause I want it now
I want it now
Give me your heart and your soul
And I'm breaking out
I'm breaking out
Last chance to lose control

It's holding me, morphing me
And forcing me to strive
To be endlessly cold within
And dreaming I'm alive

'Cause I want it now
I want it now
Give me your heart and your soul
And I'm breaking out
I'm breaking out
Last chance to lose control

And want you now
I want you now
I'll feel my heart implode
And I'm breaking out
Escaping now
Feeling my faith erode

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
By - Jack Johnson

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, I'm just a fool
Only lovin' somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn't worth never ever having you
Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
These next few lines cause they're directed at you

I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then you shooting me down
But I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting

Well, if I was in your position
I'd put down all my amunition
I'd wonder why it had taken me so long
But the Lord knows that I'm not you
And if I was, I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waitin' on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

I'd throw in a couple of interesting words of the day, but it's time to close up the bank. I gotta run to the mall and pick up some V-day gifts for the kids, as well as b-day presents for Kimi. She'll be 10 on the 15th. I can't even believe it. Time flies and all that.

Till next time...