Stick A Fork In Me
I'm done. Spent. Can't go on like this anymore.
In a nutshell, my marriage is over. Some of you know bits and pieces about what's been going on. Some of you know the gruesome details. Some of you haven't a clue about any of this. I haven't been mentioning specifics here because I just didn't know what was going on and didn't want to make anything worse.
Considering mine isn't the only life affected by this, I'm still not going to get into dirty details. All you all need to know is that after more than a year of a downhill slide, I'm pretty sure both Fran and I are ready to throw in the towel. The last few months have been very intense. Bad enough for it to affect my daughter. Andre may not understand what's going on, but he sure picks up on the tension.
We've been going back and forth on the whole seperation idea. Is it a wise move? Should we try other things first? Will the kids be ok? Will we be ok? I don't think either of us really wanted this. But neither of us can continue as we are. I'm not pointing any fingers or laying any blame. As far as I'm concerned, we're both to blame equally. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love someone, it's just not a workable relationship.
Maybe we'll seperate and realize we can't live without each other and have a romantic reunion like on those Lifetime TV movies. Maybe we'll learn that we really are better off not being together and go forward with the big D. Maybe we'll both lose our nerves and back out of the seperation thing and just continue to live like we are now, miserable, confused, and frustrated. I really don't know what's going to happen.
I'm not even concerned about myself. I'll deal with whatever happens. I mostly worry about my kids. Are they going to hate us? Are they going to hate me? Are they going to be scarred for life, becoming emotional wrecks themselves? Will this destroy their self-esteem? I'm especially worried about Kimi. She just turned 10. She's at the sensitive pre-teen age. This could have a devastating effect on her. But what would staying in a situation like this do to her? I don't know which is worse.
Andre's young, and this probably won't hit home for him for a few years. Once he's in school and realizes that his family isn't quite like most peoples'. Then again, the divorce rate is huge, he'll probably be in the majority, sadly enough. But regardless, it will have an effect on him, I just don't know to what extent.
I also worry about Fran. I've known him for over 12 years now. He was my best friend for a long time before we ever got together. He knows me better than anyone in the world. He's been there through so much. He's one of the few people I can be myself around and not feel weird. Shit, he's the ONLY person I can truly be myself around. To say I care about him is a huge understatement. I love him, I always will. But for some reason I just can't be with him. At least that's the current conclusion. I know it makes no sense, and it's hard to explain without giving out all the gory details, but you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.
At any rate, the last thing I want to do is hurt him. The fact that this whole thing could end up with him hating me makes me sick. In a perfect world we'd seperate, realize it was for the best, remain good friends, and keep our kids out of the middle. Hell, in a perfect world we wouldn't be going through this at all.
Fuck, this is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I constantly feel sick and depressed. I start to tear up at the stupidist situations. I was at Wendy's today getting lunch. As I was standing on line there was a family (mom, dad, daughter, little boy) sitting and eating at a table behind me. The little boy was in a high chair and pitching a fit. He kept screaming "I want my daddy! I want my daddy!" His dad was sitting right there, but that wasn't the point. Just listening to the way the kid was screaming. I pictured how excited Andre gets when Fran gets home from work. How all it takes is a smile from Fran to make him laugh. I could hear those words being screamed at my house. "I want my daddy!" But daddy isn't there. I started to tear right there in line. I frantically wiped at my eyes and tried to play it off as being tired. God, even now just thinking about it is upsetting me.
Why does everything in my life have to be so damn complicated. Why do I always have to be depressed and unhappy. Why can't one thing go right for me. When will it be my turn to be happy? Well, it must be time to end this rant, as I'm starting to whine. Please ignore the poor me spiel. I know I bring all this shit down on myself...so I really have no right to bitch and complain.
Ok, enough of this for now. Please understand if I disappear for a bit and don't post or email you back, it isn't anything personal. I'm just not sure where my head is going to be at. Thanks for listening.
~Megs
In a nutshell, my marriage is over. Some of you know bits and pieces about what's been going on. Some of you know the gruesome details. Some of you haven't a clue about any of this. I haven't been mentioning specifics here because I just didn't know what was going on and didn't want to make anything worse.
Considering mine isn't the only life affected by this, I'm still not going to get into dirty details. All you all need to know is that after more than a year of a downhill slide, I'm pretty sure both Fran and I are ready to throw in the towel. The last few months have been very intense. Bad enough for it to affect my daughter. Andre may not understand what's going on, but he sure picks up on the tension.
We've been going back and forth on the whole seperation idea. Is it a wise move? Should we try other things first? Will the kids be ok? Will we be ok? I don't think either of us really wanted this. But neither of us can continue as we are. I'm not pointing any fingers or laying any blame. As far as I'm concerned, we're both to blame equally. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you love someone, it's just not a workable relationship.
Maybe we'll seperate and realize we can't live without each other and have a romantic reunion like on those Lifetime TV movies. Maybe we'll learn that we really are better off not being together and go forward with the big D. Maybe we'll both lose our nerves and back out of the seperation thing and just continue to live like we are now, miserable, confused, and frustrated. I really don't know what's going to happen.
I'm not even concerned about myself. I'll deal with whatever happens. I mostly worry about my kids. Are they going to hate us? Are they going to hate me? Are they going to be scarred for life, becoming emotional wrecks themselves? Will this destroy their self-esteem? I'm especially worried about Kimi. She just turned 10. She's at the sensitive pre-teen age. This could have a devastating effect on her. But what would staying in a situation like this do to her? I don't know which is worse.
Andre's young, and this probably won't hit home for him for a few years. Once he's in school and realizes that his family isn't quite like most peoples'. Then again, the divorce rate is huge, he'll probably be in the majority, sadly enough. But regardless, it will have an effect on him, I just don't know to what extent.
I also worry about Fran. I've known him for over 12 years now. He was my best friend for a long time before we ever got together. He knows me better than anyone in the world. He's been there through so much. He's one of the few people I can be myself around and not feel weird. Shit, he's the ONLY person I can truly be myself around. To say I care about him is a huge understatement. I love him, I always will. But for some reason I just can't be with him. At least that's the current conclusion. I know it makes no sense, and it's hard to explain without giving out all the gory details, but you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.
At any rate, the last thing I want to do is hurt him. The fact that this whole thing could end up with him hating me makes me sick. In a perfect world we'd seperate, realize it was for the best, remain good friends, and keep our kids out of the middle. Hell, in a perfect world we wouldn't be going through this at all.
Fuck, this is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I constantly feel sick and depressed. I start to tear up at the stupidist situations. I was at Wendy's today getting lunch. As I was standing on line there was a family (mom, dad, daughter, little boy) sitting and eating at a table behind me. The little boy was in a high chair and pitching a fit. He kept screaming "I want my daddy! I want my daddy!" His dad was sitting right there, but that wasn't the point. Just listening to the way the kid was screaming. I pictured how excited Andre gets when Fran gets home from work. How all it takes is a smile from Fran to make him laugh. I could hear those words being screamed at my house. "I want my daddy!" But daddy isn't there. I started to tear right there in line. I frantically wiped at my eyes and tried to play it off as being tired. God, even now just thinking about it is upsetting me.
Why does everything in my life have to be so damn complicated. Why do I always have to be depressed and unhappy. Why can't one thing go right for me. When will it be my turn to be happy? Well, it must be time to end this rant, as I'm starting to whine. Please ignore the poor me spiel. I know I bring all this shit down on myself...so I really have no right to bitch and complain.
Ok, enough of this for now. Please understand if I disappear for a bit and don't post or email you back, it isn't anything personal. I'm just not sure where my head is going to be at. Thanks for listening.
~Megs
posted by Meghan at 2:06 PM
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