Something To Open My Eyes

You may recall in some recent posts that I've been having an issue with someone I considered a close friend. Without getting into too much detail (for privacy reasons) I finally had something spelled out to me. After over a week of this person pretty much ignoring my emails and phonecalls, I saw them (and I know using them is bad grammar, but I'm not stating whether it's a him or a her) in person.

It was a pleasant enough conversation. This person claims that they are not mad at me and that I have to understand what it means to be a friend. They said that "just because someone doesn't call you back or answer your emails doesn't mean the friendship has gone by the wayside." Ok...rolling with that theory...

I have plenty of people I consider friends who I'm not able to talk to very often. My life is very busy, and so are theirs. I think there are different levels of friendship. There are some that work just fine with the occassional phone call and night out, others are closer to where you talk to them quite often.

So what am I supposed to think when I talk to someone pretty much every day, whether it be through email, phone, or in person, and then one day they just stop. Especially after an innocent incident that seems to have pissed them off...yet they refuse to say they're pissed. Then days later tell me they "don't like me anymore" and when asked why I'm told to "figure it out." So I did what I do best. I wrote this person an email.

I explained that the only thing I could think of was something that was done out of fun. I had already apologized for doing it, even though it was only a joke and we had played around like that many times before. I went on to say that not talking to me wasn't the way to go about things and that real friends talked things like this out. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of an apology for upsetting them, with questions as to why they wouldn't just talk about it with me.

I finally got a response in the form of a phonecall. I was told to "calm the fuck down" and that none of this meant we weren't friends. Again, I was confused. But I assumed it was over with. But yet I still don't hear from this person anymore.

So when I confronted them yesterday I was told to look up the meaning of the word friend. So I did:

Main Entry: 1 friend
Pronunciation: 'frend
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frEond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frEon to love, frEo free
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war -- called also Quaker

Ok, I'm thinking this person was not alluding to definitions 3 or 5. So that leaves us with someone who is attached to another by affection or esteem, someone who is not hostile, and a favored companion. Nowhere in there does it say the two people have to be in contact with each other, so I guess my "friend" is right.

I always thought the definition of friend was someone who cared about you, someone you could trust, someone you could go to when you had a problem, someone who could go to you with a problem. That's the kind of friend I try to be. But maybe I have it all wrong. According to Miriam Webster I do.

What this person and I had before all the bullshit started was what I considered a close friendship. The fact that it's changed this much in such a short time leads me to believe that we are no longer the same type of friends. Maybe I'm just an acqaintance to this person now. I don't know. All I know is, if I had a problem (and you all know I have my fair share) and tried to go to this person, I wouldn't get an answer. Somehow that doesn't seem very friendly to me. But what do I know, I didn't even know the true definition of the word.

I dunno. It sucks. I feel like I lost one of the few people I could trust. I feel like I don't know this person anymore, like they turned into someone else. They don't seem to think anything is different. They don't seem to understand why I've been upset. Maybe I am just crazy. But it doesn't matter. Things have changed between us permanently and I just have to accept it and move on, as much as it sucks. I tend not to give up on good friends without a fight, but I put in all the effort I can muster. It's up to them now whether or not they want to talk to me anymore.

Anyhoo, I wasn't going to post about this because should this person decide to read my blog in the near future, they would probably take it the wrong way and get pissed. At least, that seems to be the pattern as of late. But the reason I have this place is to rant about what's going on and get it off my chest, to help me deal with things. I think I've done a pretty good job of protecting this person's privacy, so hopefully this won't open a whole new can of worms.

Well, that's enough for now. Till next time...

Quick Note

I just had to share this website with you because I think it's brilliant. You don't know how many times I've wished I had a product like this during my commute!

Road Rage Cards

Music

Yeah, I know, you don't hear from me for weeks then twice in one day. Let's just say I'm bored tonight and have reached that "bitching" phase of my depression. So shut-up about it and read...or not. Whatever.

Anyhoo, this next installment deals with music.

Whether I'm happy, sad, angry, whatever...music is always the one constant. I guess you could say I have ecclectic taste. Everything from Mozart to Patsy Cline to Tool to Mindless Self Indulgence to Stevie Wonder to Korn to Broadway musical soundtracks to Peter, Paul, & Mary to Odis Redding to Marilyn Manson...and beyond.

At the moment my attention has been drawn to my depressing tastes. I heard 5 songs on the radio today that made me say, "Shit, this certainly seems to match my mood lately." So they're my top 5 for this week, along with some lyric snippits that I felt a certain kindrid to.

5. Chevelle "Closure"

"Like a leach,
I hold on as if we belonged,
To some precious pure dream.
Cast off, you've seen what's beneath,
Now fail me."

4. Tool "Imagine" (I know Lennon's original was about hope, but the way Tool does it, makes you want to slit your wrists. An AMAZING remake.)

"Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today..."

3. Korn "The Wall" (Another remake makes this week's list. I have always loved this song...hell, this whole album. Again, one fucking incredible remake.)

"I don't need no arms around me
I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
No don't think I'll need anything at all"

2. Jimmy Eat World "Pain"

"I don't feel the way I've ever felt.
I know
I'm gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills
that take my pain away."

1. Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" (I have to admit that I've never been a big fan of Green Day, but this song really hits a nerve with me and has become one of my new favorites.)

"I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone"

And that's that. My top 5 for the week.

Well, I'm outta work in about 15 minutes or so. Till next time...

Questions Answered And Other Things

Argh, I had just about finished this post and went to save it when bastard Blogger crapped out on me and I lost it all. Figures. Everything else in my life is crap, why not this?

Anyhoo, I know I've been gone awhile, but I've been in the same place I usually am when you don't hear from me for a few days...weeks...whatever. I headed into my downward spiral and ended up in my dark place. I honestly am just popping up today for a bit of fresh air and to kill some monotony, I'll be going back down shortly. Things suck, but you know what? Fuck it. I should know by now that happiness in my life is always fleeting. In fact, every time I'm happy, I should really be pissed, because that means that I'm going to be twice as miserable very soon. I've decided I'm not meant to be happy. Plain and simple. Oh fucking well.

Moving on, I promised answers to any questions my readers chose to ask. So, by the grand tally of questions I have, I see that I have 2 readers. More than I actually thought. So...here's your no bullshit answers guys.

Question #1 was asked about a hundred times in a row (by accident...or so he says) by my co-worker Joe. He wanted to know what I thought the minimum wage should be across the country. Well, to get straight to the point, I don't rightly know. I mean, on the one hand, I want to see people who can't get any job but one that pays minimum wage to make more money, so that they will rely less on government assistance and can make a better life for their families. However, I don't want to see small businesses close their doors, or items that are necessities going up in price because businesses can't afford to pay a higher rate. I also don't want to see our taxes go up because the government has to get involved in order for these wages to be paid. It's a tough call. Which is why I will never run for office. Well, that and the porcupine scandal of '93. Don't even ask.

Question #2 was from fellow writer, and good friend, Matt Warner (go to his website NOW at www.matthewwarner.com). He wanted to know what I thought of his first article over at Horrorworld (go there NEXT at www.horrorworld.org heh) and my opinions on the subjects of genre stereotyping, the purpose of storytelling, and the meaning of horror fiction? (Oh, Matt, as to your first question about Joe having some kind of problem, yes he does, we just don't know what it is yet. heh)

Ok, genre stereotyping is easy. I have no tolerance for it. Vampires, werewolves, serial killers...they've been done to death. That's not saying I wouldn't enjoy a story or book about one. It would just have to bring about a different spin on the topic, do something completely new, and give me a reason to turn each page. A good example is Brian Keene's THE RISING. Yes, readers of this blog know he's a close friend, but that doesn't make his novel any less amazing. His novel is about zombies. Yes, a tired and old vessel of horror. However, he does things with zombies that I had never read about before. He transformed them into something new. On top of that, as you get into the novel, you realize that although it may take place in a post-apocalyptic world infested with the living dead, it isn't just a zombie book. It's about the bond between a son and father, the strength of the human spirit, and how man can be scarier than the monsters. (oh yeah....time to go HERE now. heh)

Ok, next, let's cover the purpose of storytelling. That one makes me think a bit more. I guess for me, storytelling has been something I've loved being a part of (whether as the teller or the audience) since I was a kid. I think most people need entertainment, need to be taken out of their usual surroundings, every now and again. It's good for one's sanity. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy...yes? What the art of storytelling does is pluck a person right out of their reality and put them down in another's. Where they can explore and do things they would never normally do...knowing that when it's over they will be put safely back into their own world. Here they can be the hero...or the villain. They can be terrified, heartbroken, exhilarated...whatever, and be able to go back to normal without a scratch or mental scar. However, if the storyteller really does their job, that person will carry what they went through with them and remember it for a long time to come.

The meaning of horror fiction? Piggybacking off my last comment, I'd say it is again, to entertain, to take someone out of their comfort zone long enough to show them a world they've never known. Only in these worlds the storytellers play on the reader's fear. You can put them into the mind of an evil force...or an innocent victim. Ever since there have been stories, there have been horror stories. Some people just love a good scare. Maybe it's because they know that it's a safe way to be scared. There isn't really an axe wielding maniac behind them...but their adrenaline acts as if there is. It's a way to get pumped without risking life and limb.

Well, those are my humble opinions. Thanks to Matt and Joe for participating. If I actually have any other readers out there...give yourself 50 lashes for being too shy to play along.

In other news...

One other topic to cover, then I'll put this mammoth post to bed. I have sunk to the lowest level of my life. I have bought a minivan. Close your mouths, pick yourselves off the floor...JOE, STOP SNICKERING, and listen to me. I have a nine-year-old and a seven-month-old. The Honda was too tiny to fit a ginormous carseat, my daughter, and all the crap that comes along with kids. I needed something bigger. I needed something cheap. What I found was a 1998 Plymouth Voyager for only $4200 and only 81,300 miles on it. The Honda was a '94 and had almost 150,000 miles on it. So I did it. It drives nice, there's plenty of room, and I like the color. My daughter loves it, I fit right in at her school, and Andre's seat fits nicely. It's amazing what you do for your kids. I'm willing to live with the shame and embarrassment of being a minivan owner for my kids. Go ahead. Let the mockery commence.

Well, that's all for now. Don't know when my next post will be. I'm dealing with someone I thought was a good friend ditching me, a tense time in my household, and the myriad stressors that come with the season. Hope you all are doing much better than I.

~Later