The Ticking Time Bomb That Is My Biological Clock

My cousin had a baby boy last week. Justin Tyler, J.T. for short. I went and saw him in the hospital and it brought back all the memories of my daughter's birth. What a wonderful and scary time for me. I was only 17 and didn't have a clue what I was doing. Her father, or sperm donor as I like to call him, was in jail and absolutely no help. So my mother stayed with me the whole time and helped. Kimberleigh was born at 12:13 AM on February 15th, 1995. She wasn't crying. I may have been young, but I knew that wasn't a good sign.

Half a dozen nurses and doctors stormed into the room in seconds, cleaned her up, let me kiss her on the forehead and then wisked her away. I had no idea what was going on and no one could tell me anything. About 4 in the morning a doctor woke me up and told me that she had had mucus blocking one lung, but they were able to flush it out with oxygen. However, her heart rate dropped while she slept, so they wanted to monitor her. That was a little over 8 years ago and now she's a perfectly happy little girl. She ended up in the NICU for only 5 days. That was a relief.

My cousin's baby was in the NICU too, but only because he was so big (over 9 pounds) that they wanted to make sure nothing was wrong with his sugar level. They were both sent home a couple days later. I held him in the hospital and just looked at him. Perfect tiny little ears and fngers and nose. He looked angelic.

I went over to their house last night to bring them presents and see the baby again. This time I brought my daughter. I got to feed him and burp him. I knew I wanted another baby some day, but I didn't realize just how much I missed doing the little things. I missed the little noises newborns make when they're drinking their bottles and that new baby smell they have.

Needless to say my biological clock is now in overdrive. My daughter is 8. I don't want my children to be so far apart that they don't have anything to do with each other. Right now she's at an age where she really wants a brother or sister, and wants to help. I won't have that for long. But now is not a good time. For reasons like money and childcare. I can't afford to quit my job and stay home and I can't afford daycare. But I'm sure lots of couples go through that. You just deal with it, you figure things out.

My mother always said, "If you wait for the right time to have a baby, you'll never have one." But it's more than money. My husband doesn't seem to want a baby. When we were engaged we talked about it and he seemed enthusiastic. Wanted a boy he could teach how to play football and all that. Then when we were married we talked about when we'd have one, we knew we'd have to wait a few years. We'll be married 2 years this month, but now when we talk about it, he seems put off by the idea. We went through a time where he said he didn't want any more kids. When I told him I did and that is was important to me, he relented by saying, eventually. But that eventually may never come. And it sucks. Especially in times like this.

I don't know why I'm so into having a baby right now. Maybe it's just natural instinct. Maybe I'm trying to cling to something that will make me feel important and needed. Maybe I just want another bundle of joy to love. Who knows. And with me on these new meds and not knowing what's going to happen, I'm sure it isn't the right time. But that doesn't make the desire go away.

I know what you're thinking...those that know me at least. I'm only 26, I have lots of time. Do I? I don't want to have a baby when my daughter is a teenager. Life would just be too difficult. That's only 5 years away and every year that ticks by is that much more my daughter will be disinterested in a sibling. I'm not worried abnout my age.

I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. Maybe it's because I know deep down that Fran will never relent, he just tells me what I want to hear. I may never get the chance again. That just makes me sad. But what can I do? Thre's only so many times you can argue about a subject like this. For now all I can do is hope and wait.

Meghan Has Turned Into A Shiny Happy Person!

Ummm...yeah...right...APRIL FOOLS! Ok, I apologize, that was lame.

So I was bored this morning (avoiding work) and decided to look up some more information about this drug I'm on. I do the usual Yahoo search and come up with a bunch of links. I scroll down and see one marked petition. That intrigued me. So I click on it and come to a petition that over a thousand people have signed trying to get the makers of the drug Effexor to publish all the info they have about it. Apparently there are some side effects that aren't mentioned on the label. Like it can be addictive and when you go off of it you can have severe and debilitating withdrawal symptoms. Great. Oh yeah, it is especially bad if the patient has a history of drug abuse. Fuck. That be me folks!

My dumb ass was able to shake the coke and heroin habit 9 years ago. I got pregnant and decied that I wanted to be a good mom and have a healthy baby. Haven't looked back since. Not that it wasn't hard. It was difficult as shit, any addict can tell you. I went through withdrawal, and it was scary. No need to go through something like that again, especially with a drug that is supposed to be helping me.

So I keep doing research and find more information about it. The petition wasn't by nut jobs, there is documented evidence that this drug has some major problems that my doctor never disclosed to me, whether she left it out accidentally or didn't know herself, I don't know. I'm due to see her in a couple of weeks. Do I keep taking them, wait for the appointment and hand her all the print outs I found? Do I call her and try to squeeze in sooner, even though I haven't been on the drug long enough to tell whether or not it is helping? Do I just stop taking them and risk the side effects? I have really bad luck with meds. I'm beginning to think I should just go back to trying to do something about my problems my own way, without the help of medicine. I don't know.

Once you're on meds you're labeled. Crazy. Depressed. Mentally ill. Whatever. I don't like labels. I'm just Meghan, and if the world doesn't like it, fuck it. Why am I trying to change who I am? All the arguments for and against medication are swirling around my head and I don't know what the right thing to do is. I want to be healthy for myself and for my family, but not at the cost of losing a part of me. Do I ride it out one more time and see where this drug takes me? I haven't decided yet. I guess I'll let you know once I make up my mind, if I ever make up my mind.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yup, I hit the big 26. No, this isn't going to be a rant about getting old, I've done that already. And I know I'm not old. I feel old, but it has nothing to do with my physical age, that's my mental age. But I figured since it's my "special day" I ought to make a post. Not that it will be all that enlightening. Are they ever?

Anyhoo, still on the meds. I almost gave them up on Saturday, and I still might. Had a long talk with a friend who made some good points. Had another talk with another friend who also had some good points on the pro side. I don't know if this is the right course of action for me or not, but I'm at least going to try it for the three weeks my doctor suggested. We'll see where I'm at then, when I go to my next doc appointment. The side effects have gotten better. I'm sleeping again and not getting sick to my stomach anymore. The panic attack, I've been told, was probably not caused by the medication, but regardless, I haven't had one since.

Do I feel shiny happy? No. But I'm not supposed to. I probably won't notice any difference for six weeks, if I even stay on that long.

But that's enough of the meds discussion for now. I really have nothing new to offer on that front. As new developments occur, I'll fill you in. On to more interesting things. Well, more interesting to me at least.

Had a great birthday weekend. Saturday I went to see MSI again. I thought they were amazing last time, but this time it was ubelievable! They never cease to amaze me. I shit you not when I tell you to go grab their stuff and try your damndest to see them live! So I had a blast at the show. Afterwards a bunch of us went out to one of my favorite local hangouts, a bar of sorts. I won't get into too many details about this part....just none of your bizniz! heh

Then Fran and I drove our friend Markus back to the city and ate at my favorite city restaurant. If you're ever on St. Marks and you're hungry, check out the Yaffa Cafe. Good stuff! Sunday the family came over and I got presents. Yay! Presents! hehe Ok, so there is a kid still left in me. I love presents. :)

So it was a successful weekend. I kept myself busy and didn't wallow in misery for once. Of course today being my actual birthday and me being stuck at the flaming pit of misery doesn't help. But I'm not in a bad mood per se. Just want to get the hell out of here.

So I leave you know with one of my favorite MSI quotes, from the song Kill the Rock...

~If I'm so wonderful then why am I so misunderstood?